I thought I had survived the lowest point...

[50thstatebeliever]

I thought I had survived it all - the repetitive cycles that made me insane. Feeling vibrant, energetic, living my days by MJ music, keeping up the faith that he will soon be back...then facing the down days when it seemed the only thing I was hanging by, was my stubborn belief that he is not gone really - and that the world over could laugh at me, but I was going to be the one smiling and standing and saying "See - see I told you so." the day that MJ comes back...and then it repeated itself, off again, on again, off again, on again, until I could no longer tolerate the insanity, the emotions that just kept me feeling like I was either alive or lacking all feelings.  
SO I DECIDED awhile ago - about a week I think - to let this all go and close the book. I couldn't even say I'd wait till the summer to find out...I just told myself, 'enough already'. I can't be in limbo. I can't be doubtful one day and then a believer the next. I then put away all thoughts of Michael, all thoughts of any issues relating to him. I decided to continue on with my life, the way it had been prior to this WHOLE mess. And it is a mess, you should see the inside of my soul if you could - it's in shambles. And so I did - I picked up my heart off the lowest point of my existence and said "no more". I went on doing what I always do, did what I had to do each day, and it was okay - would you believe it? I put away my MJ music, I stopped listening to him totally. I felt then, my heart begin to heal in an odd way. I didn't cry. I didn't think about him. I didn't wonder what was going on in the rest of the lives of everyone here on the site...and then today -on the way to an appointment, I sat by the window watching the scenery go by - I pulled out my cell phone and plugged in my earphones and looked through my music files I had uploaded onto the phone months ago...At first I skipped over the MJ collection. But then I was curious, to see what my reaction would be, should I listen to his music again. "Oh I'm all over the tears already..I'll be fine"...I thought. So I chose of all songs, Stranger in Moscow...then You Are Not Alone...then Human Nature...and suddenlly my eyes were both trying to hold back the tears that were overwhelming me.
Suddenlly my heart felt like it was breaking in two pieces, literally. I could feel my rib cage collaspse and I could hardly breathe.
He was still there, MJ was - carefully held in place deep in the furthest place in my heart, trying to survive amidst all the doubt and lack of faith I chose to take - simply because I could no longer bear to even THIN KOF HIM. That was how insanely painful the whole process was starting to feel.  I had actually numbed myself into thinking it was okay to just not think about him at all, simply because it was too much emotion for me to carry, day in and out.  I am back to a familiar place...some might call it denial of the truth, or denial of reality...but if that's what it is, then let it be so - because the truth of it all, is..simply, I can't feel anyting else regarding MJ other than still miss him. I thought I had grown strong enough to close the book...and just not even acknowledge him.  But it can never be htat way.  You can't deny yourself oxygen, light, water, you can't. And in the same way, MJ is just going to be a permanent part of life, and the world as we know it - because he made it that way. There can be no world without MJ in it...whether or not we see him walk the earth or we don't...he still existed, and he still exists to many of us...So with these tears and the pain that still lingers - I welcome back MJ into my struggle, my personal struggle of loving his music, loving his messages, and loving his legacy. He will go on, and on , until there is no universe. Whther or not I believe still, that he will be back soon - is no longer the point. The point is, I will never shut the door of my soul, on him again.  He is here to stay...

[mykidsmum]

While MJ appreciated his fans and wanted them to love him and appreciate his music, I don't think he would be happy knowing he is causing so much anguish in someones life.  You must remember, MJ is Human and all he wanted in this life was to be "Human".  Console yourself in knowing MJ did what he was sent for.  God needed him here for something and he fulfilled his appointed time here.  He showed us how to persevere in times of great trial and to continue to do what you were meant to do.  MJ had a deep deep belief in God and knew that the only one worthy of WORSHIP was our creator.  He told us this by always telling us that his gifts came from God.  God tests his greatest believers in this life and MJ took his tests and never waivered in his belief or mission.  I think it's time for you to put your love and your trust to a higher power, one that can help you when you are down and feeling sad.  You can't call on MJ but you can call on your creator.  
It is difficult...you are not alone in your grief.  You must take your negative energy and do something positive...it's not hard and it starts small.  find a food pantry in your area and vow to drop off a can or two of food on your way home from grocery shopping every time.  Donate all money from bottles to your favorite charity.  Save all your change in a piggy bank and at the end of the month, donate it. If you have an elderly neighbor, take care of them...send over banana bread or cookies...show your neighbors you care.   Doing small things will make you feel worth wile and will make you feel like you are making a difference...because you are!  A message without action isn't a message at all.

[GreenManMakeAChange]

I can relate to you.  A few times I even felt like I hated hearing about him and his family and just wanted to shut them off for good and move on cause I'm too hurt about what happened to him and too hurt to admit it.  But he is a part of me and whenever I put him on again after hesitating, the tears, emotions, feelings, everything beautiful I felt before and after the death are still there.  I think sometimes I felt so guilty about loving him too much and felt I should put that energy towards becoming more spiritual, but maybe I am and don't give myself enough credit.  I know this is a material thing, but it hurts me that I didn't feel his love in person when I came so close to it last year.

[DancingTheDream]

I can relate to you.  A few times I even felt like I hated hearing about him and his family and just wanted to shut them off for good and move on cause I'm too hurt about what happened to him and too hurt to admit it.  But he is a part of me and whenever I put him on again after hesitating, the tears, emotions, feelings, everything beautiful I felt before and after the death are still there.  I think sometimes I felt so guilty about loving him too much and felt I should put that energy towards becoming more spiritual, but maybe I am and don't give myself enough credit.  I know this is a material thing, but it hurts me that I didn't feel his love in person when I came so close to it last year.

I agree.  Sometimes i have to shut out the rest of the Jackson family and the hangers on, like Karen Faye.. and even worse are the stalkers like Sam Gossen..  the ones who taunt us with a photo to remind us that we didnt meet him, but they did..   Karen taunts us that she worked with him for years, and we didnt.

It gets all too much.  I find a lot of these people, including the Jackson siblings, cause a lot of anxiety inside of me.

The only one i care about is Michael and those kids of his.  

Sometimes you have to shut yourself off from the negative to remember the positive.

But its unbelievably hard.   I still miss him.  There is a hole that is Michael shaped.

What if he has died.. there is a real possibility, my friend.  We just have to struggle on and try to understand and accept.

I think if Michael really had died and passed on.. the trial and (hopefully) conviction will give us all some peace and closure..   i think there is a lot of pain as we dont know the truth of what went on.  Once we have the truth.. and our hearts will always recognise the truth.. we can begin to accept and heal.

[GreenManMakeAChange]

I think he's gone too though I'm keeping an open mind, though it's unlikely he's really alive.  I feel for his kids and his mom but sometimes I just don't care to hear about them either cause it's too painful to even go there.  Even though I'm still into him too, other times I can't stand him cause it hurts too much and I wondered why it was happening if I love him so much and still do.  I think what it is is I can't stand the situation of what happened to him and he being awesome is a reminder of it and my mind is working overtime to block out what murray did and make me resistant.  I don't know, nothing makes sense, sometimes I think I'm the crazy one, and no shrink can help me, I have to figure it out on my own.  And I get flashbacks of times over the years where I enjoyed him and cry at him being gone, other times I just feel nothing cause it's hurt too much and I've blocked out the pain.  Sometimes if I'm in anxious situations, I start thinking of how awesome he is and start crying by myself not believing he's gone.

[loveratheart4mj]

WOW......how can so many of us feel so deeply connected to a man. He was just a normal human being just like us but with a awesome talent and love to share. We all love him. I know that i dont idolize him. I know who my creator is. GOD. My feelings for MJ are NOT the same as my feelings for God. I have taken my deep sorrow to God many times off and on and asked him for strength to get thru this sadness. Its just amazing (HOW MANY OF US) there is out there. Its totally weird that we feel so deeply connected with him. WHY??? On top of that i am VERY married and have been married to the same man for 31 years. Top that one!! LOL. Not the same kind of love that i have for my precious husband either. Its just a very deep connetion to MJ somehow. Just totally weird. Yes i do love you Michael. Yes I want you back but would be absolutely happy just to see you from afar with your fam, friends, working in a business of your choice. I can admire you from afar and live my life happily. (by the way...my hubbys name is Michael as well   )

[GreenManMakeAChange]

WOW......how can so many of us feel so deeply connected to a man. He was just a normal human being just like us but with a awesome talent and love to share. We all love him. I know that i dont idolize him. I know who my creator is. GOD. My feelings for MJ are NOT the same as my feelings for God. I have taken my deep sorrow to God many times off and on and asked him for strength to get thru this sadness. Its just amazing (HOW MANY OF US) there is out there. Its totally weird that we feel so deeply connected with him. WHY??? On top of that i am VERY married and have been married to the same man for 31 years. Top that one!! LOL. Not the same kind of love that i have for my precious husband either. Its just a very deep connetion to MJ somehow. Just totally weird. Yes i do love you Michael. Yes I want you back but would be absolutely happy just to see you from afar with your fam, friends, working in a business of your choice. I can admire you from afar and live my life happily. (by the way...my hubbys name is Michael as well   )

I love michael so much, too deep to understand, and often feel guilty for it too, cause I'm worried that I'm not putting enough of it towards God though I've always believed in God and pray often, though I questioned that in the past year sometimes.  But that's why I got resistant too, out of fear I guess.

[RK]

WOW......how can so many of us feel so deeply connected to a man. He was just a normal human being just like us but with a awesome talent and love to share. We all love him. I know that i dont idolize him. I know who my creator is. GOD. My feelings for MJ are NOT the same as my feelings for God. I have taken my deep sorrow to God many times off and on and asked him for strength to get thru this sadness. Its just amazing (HOW MANY OF US) there is out there. Its totally weird that we feel so deeply connected with him. WHY??? On top of that i am VERY married and have been married to the same man for 31 years. Top that one!! LOL. Not the same kind of love that i have for my precious husband either. Its just a very deep connetion to MJ somehow. Just totally weird. Yes i do love you Michael. Yes I want you back but would be absolutely happy just to see you from afar with your fam, friends, working in a business of your choice. I can admire you from afar and live my life happily. (by the way...my hubbys name is Michael as well   )

34 years with the same man for me too. I also have a personal relationship with the Lord and one aspect of what I feel conects me to to MJ is a spiritual one.  There's a lot more than meets the eye going on in all of this.

[GreenManMakeAChange]

I see mj as a muse and inspiration too in things I have done on a creative level that I never knew I could do.  Michael made me excited over him in such a way that I knew that if I dug deep I could do what he did on a smaller scale.  That's why a part of me died too, I don't know if I can quite recapture the way he made me feel passionate though the love is still there though it also hurts too much to love

[50thstatebeliever]

Well thank you all for your input...I am in my mid 40's, and a mother of two teenage boys, and have been married to a great husband for the past 15 years, but have known him for 8 years before marrying. I do have a life, if it sounded like I didn't - and I do have a strong belief in God - everything starts with Him and returns to Him - and so many things we may not comprehend, He is all knowing. It's not like I am wasting my life crying over MJ - it's just that when a 'gift' such as he, so beyond simple comprehension, leaves us - it is very hard to come away from the 'lack of' that person that was such a gift to us. In all forms, he was art in human form. I put my concentration and energy into raising my boys...spending time with them...helping them plan their future...and I do not regret a single moment of having them, and this life...but it is just the other side of me - the other part of me that was enchanted by all the things MJ was, his unique connection to the world - when most of us have never met him...his aura, his charismatic performances that seemed to jump out from some place only he knew of - it is hard to accept that such a lively part of the world, is gone.  He represented a kind of energy flow that only comes once in a lifetime...there are many entertainers, and many celebs in our world...but not all have that 'something'...that they send out in that kind of energy. Of course MJ is only human. He replaces not my faith, my belief, my God. But it is the unfamiliar 'place' in life and on earth, the unfamiliar place where MJ no longer walks, which is now our earth to continue living in - that is hard. It is a place where God has taken that ingredient away that feels cold and empty. MJ was to me, the added 'ingredient' in the normalcy of life.  And now that 'ingredient' is gone, only leaving a memory of what that 'ingredient' was like.
I think alot of us are misunderstood by some - we are not suicidal - no...we are just trying to cope with recovery and life - and it is normal for the process to take a long time, and through different levels of healing.  Of course I will be ok one day. I will be able to just smile when thinking of MJ, without feeling so much sorrow. I'm not one to be easily distracted by the latest, the newest, and other such superficial things in life. I have but a few things that I treasure - my spouse, my kids, my health, my home, and the faith that  is responsible for giving me those things I am greatful for...and MJ just happened to be one of the people I felt was, in his unique way, an irreplaceable element...tthat made things feel special, that's all.

[GreenManMakeAChange]

Well thank you all for your input...I am in my mid 40's, and a mother of two teenage boys, and have been married to a great husband for the past 15 years, but have known him for 8 years before marrying. I do have a life, if it sounded like I didn't - and I do have a strong belief in God - everything starts with Him and returns to Him - and so many things we may not comprehend, He is all knowing. It's not like I am wasting my life crying over MJ - it's just that when a 'gift' such as he, so beyond simple comprehension, leaves us - it is very hard to come away from the 'lack of' that person that was such a gift to us. In all forms, he was art in human form. I put my concentration and energy into raising my boys...spending time with them...helping them plan their future...and I do not regret a single moment of having them, and this life...but it is just the other side of me - the other part of me that was enchanted by all the things MJ was, his unique connection to the world - when most of us have never met him...his aura, his charismatic performances that seemed to jump out from some place only he knew of - it is hard to accept that such a lively part of the world, is gone.  He represented a kind of energy flow that only comes once in a lifetime...there are many entertainers, and many celebs in our world...but not all have that 'something'...that they send out in that kind of energy. Of course MJ is only human. He replaces not my faith, my belief, my God. But it is the unfamiliar 'place' in life and on earth, the unfamiliar place where MJ no longer walks, which is now our earth to continue living in - that is hard. It is a place where God has taken that ingredient away that feels cold and empty. MJ was to me, the added 'ingredient' in the normalcy of life.  And now that 'ingredient' is gone, only leaving a memory of what that 'ingredient' was like.
I think alot of us are misunderstood by some - we are not suicidal - no...we are just trying to cope with recovery and life - and it is normal for the process to take a long time, and through different levels of healing.  Of course I will be ok one day. I will be able to just smile when thinking of MJ, without feeling so much sorrow. I'm not one to be easily distracted by the latest, the newest, and other such superficial things in life. I have but a few things that I treasure - my spouse, my kids, my health, my home, and the faith that  is responsible for giving me those things I am greatful for...and MJ just happened to be one of the people I felt was, in his unique way, an irreplaceable element...tthat made things feel special, that's all.

wow you beautifully put that into words, I was getting tears reading that.  That is how I felt since he passed, but I can slowly feel it getting better though I'm still really upset and don't know how god could have let this happen to him, this way  I always had faith but now I'm looking for more answers

[OneLove]

This is a beatiful thread. So much sincere emotion. It's just sad on your behalf that you're hurting inside. I'm glad that you didn't shut your soul to him because he's here, whether in mind, body, or spirit. The sad songs will do that, when you're feeling bad, listen to his dance numbers! You will bounce back in no time! God bless you.

[GreenManMakeAChange]

sometimes I feel guilty like my body does shut him out because of pain and I'm fighting with it to say it's not real, it's happening cause of pain.

[mjfansince4]

1 Corinthians 13:12
Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely


i wish patience, faith and love for you. this whole thing is very difficult. whether you still believe or not, michael is a gift to this world. he may physically leave, but he will always be here- no matter what. and what makes you come back to him is purely love. i think he'd appreciate that. god bless you.

 

side note: this quote made me think of michael and what he's doing for us, hope you don't mind me sharing =/


John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

[50thstatebeliever]

WOW thanks you guys. I really needed to know that I was not the only one with the exact same feelings. It helps to know that lots of you out there DO live a life, ARE carrying on normally, TAKE PART of responsibilities...but still crumble from time to time when it's quiet, and there is time to reflect on your insides, coming out. Thanks so much...Keep in touch please, let me know how you are all doing when this summer comes around...it's like staring at a wrapped Christmas gift under the tree as a child, and sort of knowing what might or might not be in there...and wanting to open it, but still a bit scared...in case it's not what I wanted...Take care..Think I'll go listen to something happy - like "Rockin' Robbin" on youtube...lol...PEACE to you all....