Why is this happening? Am i alone and bat crazy??

[DancingTheDream]

Ok.. here is the deal.

Im a woman in her 30's.  I have a great job..  i own my own home and car.  

My job is very stressful and brings a lot of responsibilities.

I am single.   Ive had bad luck.   I wont bore people with the details..  but my last but one boyfriend left me for someone else when i had cancer... and the last one "councelled" me through this trauma, befriended me.   Then i found out he was married with kids (2 years later)...  and i found out at around the same time Michael left us...

Does this mean i am stuck?  Michaels death co-incided with a bad time in my life.  Another disappointment.  I thought another lying, cheating man would kill me off...   have i latched onto Michael to get me through?  Now i cant let him go.  

I can identify with Michael because of similar experiences with my father.   I know what Michael was going through.. the perfectionism, the eating disorders, the inability to form close relationships, trust issues.

Now..  i dont go out.  I go to work and its like i am acting at being someone else.   No one knows at work what my home life is like.   How lonely i am.  
But i dont want to go out and meet anyone..  i cant face that anymore.  

I go to work and be this professional, confident woman who has power and influence... and then i come home and my computer is my life.  I dont even like going out to the shops..  i barely eat properly anymore.

Am i going crazy?  Is this grief?  Why cant i let go and move on..  its like ive lost all hope in my life.  I plod on like normal, too scared to rock the boat..  keep going like everything is normal...  but inside i am screaming.

I regulary dream of winning the lottery so i can leave work and lock myself away.  With money, no one would bother me.

Ive thought of getting plastic surgery.. im 32 now.  Im getting old.   Im not pretty.   I want to have surgery on my face to look better.   Not for anyone else, just for me.
But i think - even if i did want a man - no man would want me anyway with the way i look and the way my life is.  If i was a man, i wouldnt want to date me.

Am i going stir crazy?  Why is this happening?

[somekindofsign]

DancingTheDream, I´m sorry to read all that about your life.

But you´re not crazy, or if you are I am too, and I don´t think so.
What you say and my own case have somehow some paralelism, that I don´t want to explain. But I know what you mean telling that situation that seems a death end.

Maybe you don´t feel so bad with that situation, but your mind tries to convince you that is not right. I think your mind is wrong, you´re not doing so bad, but all around you tells have you have to be happy, and as you don´t get the model, you have to be unhappy.

Have hope, always have hope, you never know when all is gonna change.
But you have to look after yourself, take relaxing time, a good lunch and some walk from time to time.

Big Hugs!

[loma]

:cry: This seriously made me cry.
You always seem so confident and happy on the forum, but now I've seen a different side of you.
I'm going through a lot of things you went through in your childhood as a teen now, and I can tell you.
No. You're not alone and "bat crazy"!
And COME ON! 32 is not old at all!
I've also found Michael to be a kind of security blanket when things are getting hard,
but I mostly pull through.
But I've found that being alone just fuels these thoughts,
 so I try and spend some time with other people.
Like you, I have major trust issues, but having a friend I can trust always helps. Try doing something you really enjoy, and meet people along the way. You might meet someone you really like!
But please don't feel alone.
Remember that if things are looking down, you can always come talk to us, mkay?  

[somekindofsign]

Remembering this will boost you!

[youtube:li3tk6bv]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVJVRywgmYM[/youtube:li3tk6bv]

[jill]

Dancing the Dream I am sorry to hear you are so down.  You are not crazy.  Everyone goes thru cycles in their lives where things go great for a while and then seem to fall apart.  It's like everthing goes down hill at once.  Don't give up hope.  Like Somekindofsign said, everything will change again all at once and usually when you are not expecting it.  In the meantime take time for yourself.  Pamper yourself, a long hot bath, a nice dinner.  Treat yourself to something nice.  Go get a new hair style or something (plastic surgery is a little drastic).  Most of all, believe in yourself.  Learn to love who you are, when you do it makes other people want to love you too.  Don't be hard on yourself.  Relax, take a walk.  Spring is coming and it will be beautiful outside.  Be encouraged!  You are someone special.

[2good2btrue]

You are not alone.....Michael has brought us together for a reason..I truly believe that.

My life is a parallel to yours, but I am 45 and a single mother.  

Maybe it's the fact that we are drawn to MJ because of our own problems, and we can identify with him.

My story is like yours.  Abused my my father, abused sexually by my teacher at the age of 13.  My mother died of Lupus when I was 14.  I've had eating disorders, alcoholism for 20 years and am currentlyh addicted to pain medication...I have been lied to and betrayed by all the men in my life.  My sons father was cheating on me with his x......
So, changing your face won't change your inner soul.  The answers lie within.  L.O.V.E yourself, and remember we will always be here for you, anytime.....

This is what keeps me going............my new friends on this forum.

[angelwings]

Dancing the Dream....a big wonderful hug to you.  We all go through peaks and valleys and sounds like you're in a valley right now... and that's ok.  It's only for a season.  Life is all about change...and you're going through a change in realizing what you need in your life and what you don't....and when you do climb out you will emerge for the better.  Sometimes, relationships can mess us up when they are not with healthy individuals and then we blame ourselves and think WE failed...but that's not the case.  Being lied to causes us to withdraw because we start to doubt our trust system.  But really it just means to pay better attention to our God given intuition the next time around.  And when you deal with the public at work all day?, you need down time from people to re-energize and regroup.  That ....is healthy.  Also, Michael had issues  accepting his appearance.  Did that ever stop a whole world from loving the beautiful person he is?  Each of us has a song only we can sing.  Sing yours.  I've read what you post and I think you sound like you are more grounded than you think.  

[GirlSaturday]

I would like to extend a huge hug to you all. You are not crazy however you are in pain and you are seeking ways to relieve the pain. I have noticed quite a few people on this forum and others who are in the same place... searching...seeking  ways to escape their pain.  Unlike some of you , I had a great childhood and currently live a decent adult life.  For those who don't have this, I wish that you get it soon because it is indeed a beautiful thing to wake up with a purpose for yourself.

Celebrities are nice to follow and  support however it is extremely dangerous emotionally and mentally to embrace them into your life as if they had a direct impact on your life. They don't. Sure... they may make you smile or feel good however they don't impact your life directly. If not them then who does? Your family, friends, co-workers, classmates, neighbors and even the strangers that you encounter on the street each day. Celebrities might as well live on Mars since that is how far away from my everyday life that they sit.

I was reminded of this the other day when I received a phone call and was told that my aunt had a horrible accident and almost lost her life. This is someone that I love dearly and would have mourned deeply if she had died. She is real to me and has made a direct impact on the woman that I am today. She did this  and not some far away celebrity in a magazine or on a concert stage. I called my aunt last night and we spoke for over  3 f-ing hours talking about ...everything.  She is an elderly relative in her 70s and I must have asked her about every aspect of her life. We know one another but most of the time we only speak as neice and aunt but seldom have we spoken as  woman to woman. Ironically... Mj came up in our conversation. My aunt lost portions of her fingers in a dangerous lawn mower accident. She jokingly said that she plans to not be ashamed of her damaged hand but that she wants to get a glitter glove  just like the one that MJ wore and  show off her hand proudly.  I love older people because they don't give a damn and say what ever is on their mind.

To answer the question of the original poster, this may be happening because it provides a tool of escapism. Many people in the world are hurting and in pain therefore they seek a place of solice and safety away from the pain..

[truthseeker]

DancingTheDream, I'm right there with you.

I'm 44, and I became a grandmother last June 16 (my grandson's name is Michael, after his father Sorry, had to throw that in there. Every time I call my grandson's name, I think of MJ.)

I've got an okay job (it's part-time), and out of three children, the last one in the nest is my 17 year old son, and he is just starting out in the music business. And after all I've learned since January, that's really scary to me.

I've been widowed three times in the last 12 years. Boy, the men run really fast when they find that out.  :shock:  I tell them about it straight away, so that if they do run, I figure I've saved myself some time and trouble.  :lol:

But right now I don't want anyone. I'm working on me. All those funerals left me kind of cold-hearted and bitter.    Since last June I've learned (somewhat) how to trust people again. And I used to never speak to people in passing, like in the grocery store or on my way to the mailbox if I saw one of my neighbors. I'll speak to strangers now. Before, I had literally cut myself off from society. I still isolate very much, but it is getting better. I don't interact with people very well. I'm very shy and ultra-sensitive. My self-esteem isn't great. (I have a perfectionist father and an emotionally distant mother.) It took me over a month just to get up the nerve to make a post on this forum. Plus I have two autoimmune diseases since 2004 that wreaked havoc on my body. Before I got sick, I had no problem having a social life. The last two years, nothing. But, that's okay.

Hang in there. We are still adjusting to everything we have learned since last June. Some adjust more rapidly than others.

I don't think 32 is old. Nowhere near it. And I'll bet you are an amazingly beautiful person. I don't go by outside looks because I found out a long time ago (like in high school) that pretty outside doesn't mean pretty inside. If you've got both, great. But pretty inside will never fade or wrinkle with time. Sounds to me like your insides are most beautiful. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you.

Sorry if this is rambling. I'm OCD, ADD, you name it.
LOVE to all

[MJonmind]

I want to encourage you DancingtheDream. You're not alone, most people are hiding their struggles and pain. I believe we're each here for a purpose, and each of us has our assigned set of obstacles to overcome and gifts to use. We're all in this together. I also hope you will take the time to pamper yourself, enjoy nature somehow, and that you'll soon be feeling better. You come across as a good communicator and nice person. I too have many personal struggles since childhood, self-doubts and complaints, but I've always been a fighter, so I try to make the best of it or to make changes, cause what choice do I have. So often I look around and see others in way worse situations. I feel so inspired by Michael, by his loneliness, his love for others, his beautiful raw talent, his humbleness, and he makes me feel happy. Hope tomorrow will be much better for you!

I just read the 2 posts just before mine and I'm amazed at the intuitive counsellors we have on the forum. So much talent here, and warm caring. I'm a little shy about telling my hurts in life, because I've done so a few times with various people and end up sort of feeling like a blubbering fool, and don't know if it will achieve anything. My childhood difficulty was abuse from my mother who actively hated me till she died when I was 21, so it sets you up for life with difficulty in the love and confidence department. I guess my biggest thing about myself is that I've always felt a little weird, different from everyone else. So when people don't seem to relate or understand it makes me feel very alone. At various times in my life I've felt a lot of loneliness. I always long for people to accept me and my physical, emotional and intellectual flaws, and just share friendship with me. I tend to always think of myself as on the bottom of the heap, but for some strange reason I have developed my own strange beliefs mostly because of researching on the internet. Now I feel in no man's land, since my family would be offended, my husband and 3 kids are okay with it, and the other people are into their own interests and beliefs. I'm so thankful for a good husband (we used to fight constantly and were many times close to separating) and 3 beautiful kids, 18, 20, 22, each with their issues. I feel very blessed. I've been in a Scottish country dance group for 2 years which I absolutely love and they have accepted me well. Last year I got back into the work force after 20 years not working, but homeshcooling. Twice I was layed off for something and I was doing my best, one was because I was too slow. That really set me back in the dumps and low self confidence. I started working in a restaurant where they all treat me well, then I took a course in as a Health Care Aide, now I should be looking for work in that field, but I'm dragging my feet because I like the people I'm working with and am scared to step out of my comfort zone again. My family is pressuring. Then I found this MJ hoax and this forum, and it's just  been amazing how I've felt so deeply satisfied. The person who posted before me seem to understand why but I am drawn like a magnet. My family says I'm wasting my time, but I'm happy. At 54 I guess I feel if something is giving you enjoyment why not just enjoy it like a hobby. All the people on the forum here make me laugh so hard, cry, feel excited and in suspense all the time. Well that's a taste of my story. Weird eh (I'm from Canada, so not huh). Sorry if this is too long.

[this1crazygirl]

what so bad about being alone sometimes. I prefer alone happy instead over a crowd of phonies anyday.and what is this not pretty madness? pretty is a state of mind. DOLL YOURSELF IN  you spare time. soak ya feet and polish toes (or get a pedi) one day next day wax/shave/bathe in aromatherapy oils the next, learn to give yourself facials, look at some self help videos on youtube or something about make-up tips or like someone said consider a new hairstyle. you have to love yourself first and show yourself that you love yourslf. you will find, that all that not pretty stuff is in your head. (and stop believing these celebrity are as pretty as they look on TV and magazines.they pay big $$ for make-up artists and almost all the pics are touched up and photoshopped) you probably a beautiful person hidden under a mask of depression...take that thing off LOL    8-)

[Good Lets Dance]

Dancing The Dream,

First off, you are NOT OLD at 32! (Add 25 Yrs. to that and then you can say you're getting OLD!) But if I fix myself up real nice (which I hardly ever do, lol) I still turn heads at the grocery store, or where ever. This is a public forum so I am not going to go into my life story here, but geez, I wish I could speak to you directly some how. I have had cosmetic procedures in my 40's and considering it again, too. (Not to get a man, though)Just cause I'm VAIN. I was absolutely gorgeous  when I was younger and the procedures did erase the AGE. And for my current age, like I said- if get made up I still look pretty good. I think you are in a type of "Functioning" Depression. And you know what? I think most of us today are Functional Depressive. It's just the World we live in these days. What gets me is everything I wanted and worked for all my life (House & Property) seems like a Ball & Chain now, and I find myself wishing for the tiny deficiency apartment I had in my 20's where I could be carefree and run around and PARTY ALL THE TIME (Rick James :lol:) It seems like I am just bogged Down with all these Responsibilites of my Acquisitions, like I reached my goals and yet I'm unfulfilled by reaching them! (I WANT OUT) What I have learned is DO NOT romanticize that there is a Perfect Life with a man. Again, I'm not going into this here in my own case, but I can guarantee that you can be with a man in your life and still feel Alone! I thank God I wasn't married. Everyone Lady I know who is living with someone or married is UNHAPPY, but they are Trapped by this Economy and the Real Estate Situation. Well, I won't ramble anymore, but if you want to chat I have free Nation Wide Phone service so you can send me a Private Message.

Hang in There, OK?

[GreenManMakeAChange]

You're not alone and you're not crazy, neither of you.  I'm feeling so lost and alone myself and it's been happening for a very long time, but dealing with that and mj's death really took a toll on me and all of us.  I was suffering from depression anyways and quit my job two days before he died, so I could get help for it,and cause I didn't like my job and this one coworker was being abusive and it was getting worse. But mj's death overshadowed that. I think every time I was stressed for the last 13 years or so, I would think of seeing mj or meeting him someday and got so high off it, the more I watched his shows, the more I sang his stuff, everything.  And I came so close to seeing him, but I'm sad he's gone, period! I can't even admit how he's gone, that part won't sink in, even till this day, I just have to accept it.  Now I'm stuck with what career path to go down despite having education and eperience, and I have always had confidence, self esteem and trust issues as well, and my dad was always so mean about mj, so I didn't talk to him  for 3 months as soon as he passed, cause I start crying when I remember my dad saying all those horrible allegations related things about him.  I still cry about that time cause I prayed so hard that he would be okay, and my parents split with my dad cheating and it makes me so sad if they were mean about him.  I know family matters more than a pop star and even I was hard on myself for grieving too much, and even mad with mj sometimes for making me love him too much (haha) cause I wanted out,  but mj felt like it to me, but with his death I learned some dark qualities about myself too.  He was all about love and I wanted to feel it so badly and would be happy for fans, but all summer, I was intensively jealous and being really mean and bitter about it, either that, or start crying hard about him being gone.  I know it sounds horrible but it's happening cause I can't admit who conrad is.  Anyhow, I think what I'm really lacking is a proper father figure, which I haven't had in so many years that's why I latched onto mj so much many, many years ago.  I get triggered by memories of the 90's of listening to him and start crying at what happened to that man cause of this quack, or of days of looking forward to invincible and being so excited and then crying again, or remembering staying up to watch black or white and being like THAT MAN? REALLY?  I see him as a style icon too and used to wear clothes that reminded me of his style just to feel attractive like him or style my hair the same way and all, even though I had my own normal style too, but I have different hair now (and gosh, anyone can have long dark hair!) and my friend was still joking I Dress like him and now I wonder if I really overdid it and if that's all I'm seen as.  I wonder if I had some kind of image problem where I didn't feel valuable unless I wore awesome clothes like him but I went through different styles though my friend thinks it's just his style cause that's all she could focus on.

About the depression part, slowly go out more and more, I kept doing it despite feeling like crap while being out too, still in a  daze very sad with people trying to snap me out of it, it only started getting better 2 weeks ago where I was out, and halfway through, I realized I was not dazing out and getting sad for once and I liked it.  But if I ever felt bad during the times I tried to go out, I would go to the washroom to let the feelings out by getting angry or crying or something till they passed.  One time, I didn't go out for an entire month, it was horrible.  I think 2009 was the worst year of my life, but I have to kind of teach myself ways to be stronger than before, cause I even questioned my inner strength, my faith, everything I had worked for up until last year.  Losing mj really shook me hard and now I feel like I have to adapt to it by making big changes, I feel pressured to do so.  We all do, I think a lot of fans are working on themselves right now.

[AnnieIsNotOK]

@ DancingTheDream,
You are far from being crazy,you are questionning yourself and that's very healthy.It shows that you are in touch with your feelings,in fact I find that you are pretty well grounded.I am not a counselor,and would not dare tell you what to do, but if I could give you just a little advice (from experience and it is a medical fact),take long walks,it does help to clear the mind, reduce stress and improves your mood.Believe me,it does help a lot!!
                                                                   You are a smart educated woman and I know you will pull through this stronger than ever.You are still young,that's 10 years younger than I am! :shock:  :lol:  :lol:
                                                                     Take care
                                                                                      Annie xx

[GreenManMakeAChange]

annie, I get told that a lot too and it is true, though I don't do it as often as I should.