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Did you ever feel like this was an off life and that michael jackson they talked about after he died, was not our michael, but michael jackson? Am I making sense ? Is anything making sense? For awhile he felt like a stranger to me, not all the time, just sometimes, other times I felt like I loved him more than ever and his spirit felt closer to me, but now I don't know what's real and what isn't. I would see him after the death and be like, no, he can't be the dude I'm a diehard of, or I would see clips I've been watching for years on my tapes and be like HOLY SHIT HE DIED *sob* and not believe it, feeling like he is still here. I would be like "he can't sing anymore? dance anymore?" and start crying.It took a month for me to be so mad that I'm never going to see him when I came so close to it and was going to have my dream of all time come true. In the beginning I was so upset for his family and relieved he was at peace and none of that mattered. I couldn't listen to him or watch him i was in a daze and lightheaded and couldn't cry right away though I wanted to, I was paralyzed. When I made myself watch sensitive clips, I started to cry sooo hard, but after 3-4 clips, I found myself acting soooo mean and didn't know where the hell it was coming from cause I didn't mean it. I wanted to scream at the audience fans to shut up cause michael left them and just be mean to every fan, kid, woman etc. that met him cause I never got a turn, I always knew it was going to happen for me so I would be so happy for them all before.I let my love and inspiration for michael out in my music and poetry and even shared some of it, but that suffocated me too cause i was digging too deep and it was too painful for me.I was having weird reactions to everything too, and started to wonder if I even cared in the first place though I did. I felt so scared that the love and magic died with him. I wouldn't react right away to updates, I laughed at conrad like he's a comedian. Then I had to slowly tell myself who he is, what he did, who he did it to, then the tears came and I threw things around and felt better after. But maybe it was my gut telling me he's not real too, I don't know. Sometimes I wouldn't feel the love though I knew I still loved him, I felt like it hurt too much to love him and wanted to move on but I can never do that, it's MICHAEL! I didn't understand casual fans who accepted it and don't want to know who did this to him if they really did, but yet I thought it was easier for them cause it was too emotional for me. I felt crazy and still do.KNow what too? I'm not over the allegations, I was in so much pain those years and cried so much over what they did to him and prayed so hard that he would be vindicated and got so tired too in the end and backed away though I still believed in him. I was so angry with all of people's insults playing in my head over and over again whenever I saw pics or watched things and remembered all that crap they did to him, like everything on replay and wanting it to shut up and go away. I would cry so hard at anything. It's so painful being a fan though I love him too much.Sometimes I would read articles about how he died and think to myself "oh that dude" and then be reminded "that dude" is HIM and not be able to piece the two together and felt like my mind was playing tricks on me. Or I would read them and feel like I'm reading about some other artist and realize who it is and go SHIT!! Yet not feel how bad it is. With other shocking deaths, my stomach turned immediately, with this, I just felt like I went emotionally unconscious and became numb and paralyzed with the feeling slowly coming in, and I left home for hours though I would hear his name everywhere, I had to keep myself sane, I was making unrelated jokes and being giddy though I was also in a daze and shaky and felt that if I gave in to it, I would break something. I was in shock and couldn't feel it, it was slowly processing.I feel like everyone got shocked, mad, cried right away, I even said on facebook, RIP I accepted it and people were surprised, but I really didn't accept it though a part of me had cause we didn't know details yet, I was just in shock and didn't know WTF i was doing. It's almost like it turned me mental or something and I got hurt the most cause I'm still grieving 8 months later crying almost everyday even if not all day.You probably think I'm a newbie, I'm NOT! I've been around forever, I just feel like I developed some weird personality that is distant from my true feelings to protect me from my pain.
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