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:cry: i need help from my family i have not lost my faith ,cos i no mj is alive.it is all this running around i cant take it much more,it is like someone is playing games with us,ok mj wants us to no he is alive,but its getting to much,i think me and BAXTER need to stay in the padded cell for a few days ,i really am losing it now ,i cant play this game till he returns,to many people are getting hurt ,its all these fake mjs out there on youtube,twitter and facebook,and everywhere else,they suck people in then they turn out to be fake and so many people get hurt.i do think mj is out there trying to speak with us but how will we really no if it is him,and is there not a better way to do it without breaking so many hearts,i hope you all understand what i mean :?
I am taking a long break, from everything... I am telling you ahead of time that I wont be on this forum. I have been too sad, and my focus has been off, constantly.The other day, I cried for hours, on the floor, because I always feel lonely, pathetic, and I don't understand what I am here for...I can't sadden you all with dry posts, and no enthusiasm, so I wont even be posting for awhile.. I just feel defeated and lost in this world.I am not prepared, and I don't have the necessary strength to handle "Life". I don't see anything good happening in the future. I think I will be sad my whole life. People have taken advantage of me, people judge me, and I hate that I always care what others think. I always wanna fit in, and feel loved.I know I'm still young, 23, but feeling the way I have since I was an early teenager is taking it's toll. No I wont seek help because last time I told someone how I felt, I was in an institution, and I can't put my family through that again...I am trying not to cry right now-- hmm, cry. That's all I ever do. CRY. Anyways.. keep investigating and doing what you do...Honestly, I myself, am the reason I have so many problems. I can't accept who I am, and I never will. I hate myself, fully. I don't explode, like most people do when they can't handle things. I implode, and it hurts, badly. I don't like to feel like a problem, but I just feel like a mistake.... *cries* I love my family, and I don't wanna hurt them, but I have a serious serious problem in my own head, that no one can fix.I feel I am disgusting, that I don't deserve the precious gift of life, or to ever be loved and find happiness. That's fine for everyone else, but when it comes to me, no. I don't care whether I burn in hell or not, just because what happens to me doesn't matter. This is just how I feel. I try to change it, but it feels weird... and I hate compliments, etc, and I just feel like I will be the end of my own life, one day. I hope not, though, but when I get in my hysterical modes, I tend to do some damage to myself, pretty bad...*Sigh* Wow, I didn't mean to make this so long, and.... open... I am going to go, now. I love you all. Don't worry, I wont do anything drastic, I just can't post here, feeling this way. I can't even concentrate on half the topics..Bye, for now....
Harley,I am concerned. I read what she wrote and it don't sound good. I will be praying for this young woman as I can relate to some of the things that she feels about herself. You just never know what people are dealing with in their personal life. When you think you got it bad someone has it just as worse as you.
Thanks again guys.... my family doesn't want me on any pills, though...and I feel like I may die soon, anyways.. I suffer from migraines, and I feel sharp pains in my head, and there's a discomfort, like my brain is pushing against my skull. I've felt this for years. Even worse, I really don't care.... and worse than that, my stress and strain is taking its toll on my heart....I know, I know, go get it checked out. Ugh, maybe, maybe not. I barely wanna hop in the shower in the mornings-- that's how unmotivated I am. And someone said Michael would be sad if he read my post? Yeah, I am trying to think positive, and I love him very much, he's amazing.. but with the world today, I don't even wanna attempt to get better, anymore. People keep dying, killing their families, stealing and robbing people.. this is not the world I wanna live in.I'm not saying I'm giving up, but I'm also saying that I'm not trying. I am just stuck in this purgatory of my own demons.I will no longer post messages like this, because they could get very dark, and disturbing, plus, I don't like making people feel sad, and I don't like to complain.I do this to myself. I am destroying myself. I implode, not explode, like I said. And I take everything real hard. I am overly sensitive to what others say, yet, I am the rudest and meanest to myself. I curse myself all the time, and call myself stupid. I'd rather hear myself say that, then have someone give me a compliment. Now how weird and twisted is that. I let myself suffer because I feel I deserve it. And there's no way I can get help, because honestly, I dont even want it. I will never accept who I am, ever. And I will never date, nor live with anyone.I will stop here, because this is getting too deep, and dark in my mind. I will no longer post how I feel though, because you all have helped enough, and I feel terrible for even blabbing in the first place, when I know I wont make a change.I shake and tremble when I do things wrong, and scream in my head. I still hit myself in the head, which probably adds on to my headaches, but something happens, when I make a mistake, or disappoint someone. I can't handle anything negative, from another. I snap, and beat myself about it- literally.I've been doing this for years, though. I don't think it will change. I am truly my own worst enemy, and since I am in such a dark place, I will have to pull away from this forum even more. You would think I'd stay, because you guys make me happy, but I don't wanna say anything outrageous, again.Take care, I love you all.And please don't waste 10-20 minutes of your time with messaging me... honestly, deep inside, it doesn't make me feel better. I'm glad you all care, but it doesn't hit home, I am so far in my thoughts now, hardly anything encourages me. But please, don't worry about me. This is my last post like this, I promise.Keep the faith.
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