**Addiction** A letter to a parent from your child--THE ADDICT!

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Offline LoveShyMichael

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Thank you Grace........

I posted this also on the Whitney Houston Dead at 48, but I also feel it deserves a posting on it's own. (Grace just gave me that sign it was just as important as I always thought it was)

Because this topic has hit home for me, my son being a herion addict, I feel this subject could save someone's life....whether or not it's prescription drugs or illegal drugs.

We have lost so many artists, performers due to Addiction, please lets help each other out, & bring awareness to the fatal consquences.

This letter is NOT FROM MY SON, but I'm sure any parent that has a child that's an addict will see how addiction has taken over their life....

I KNOW IT'S LONG, BUT IT'S WORTH EVERY WORD TO READ, YOU COULD SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE!


I’m your Qualifier

I want to introduce myself to you; I’m your qualifier and the reason you’re here. You believe just because you gave me life and raised me that you know me…but you really don’t. I’d like to use this time to introduce the real me to you so maybe you can gain a better understanding of why I am the way I am, why I do the things I do and why I’ve done some of the things I’ve done. I don’t know if I was born an addict but I do know the first time I got high and addict was born.

First of all you have to accept the fact that I think differently than you do. Some of this will make sense to you and some of this will sound like excuses that you’ve heard before, but just know that the ones that sound like excuses are based on my fact, my perspective and the knowledge and experience of the people who are trying to help me get clean. These are people I have placed my trust and faith in because all they want from me is to succeed in my endeavor to stay clean for another day. You have you own goals for me like going to college, getting a job, getting married and finally having kids so you can have grandkids and can show all of your friends their pictures. See these are your goals for me and not necessarily my goals for myself.

Let me try to explain how I see things. See, you think I have a drug problem but I don’t; I have a living problem. You think I use drugs but the reality is that the drugs use me. Drugs are for those of us that can't handle reality, and reality is for people like you that can't handle their drugs. To me Reality is a nice place to visit but I really don’t like living there. I live in constant fear of letting you down; of not living up to your expectations. I put off doing things out of fear and you call me a procrastinator, but procrastination is just a 5 syllable word for fear.
Drugs make me feel alive and normal, but they also make me paranoid, incoherent and both destructive and pathetically and relentlessly self-destructive. Then I would do unconscionable things in order to feel normal and alive again. Drugs gave me wings and then slowly took away my sky. I looked to drugs for courage and they made me a coward. You say that I had always been a sensitive, perceptive, joyful and exceptionally bright child, but on drugs I became unrecognizable. You should try looking in the mirror and not knowing the reflection looking back at you. I long for the day I am able to look in the mirror and be OK with the person I see looking back.

Like all kids, when I was really young I used to think there was a monster in my closet and under my bed and you would come into my room and reassure me that there wasn’t one by opening the closet and looking under the bed. Now that I am older you can’t convince me of that anymore and it’s not your job to. But since I found drugs I’ve come to the realization that there is a monster; but it’s not in my closet or under the bed but inside of me, and that if I can’t learn to ignore it, it will destroy me.

When I first started getting high it was pleasurable for awhile; I had finally experienced nirvana, and then the euphoria wore off and I began to see the ugly side of my using and I experienced hell. I found the higher the drugs got me the lower they brought me. After awhile I faced 2 choices, either I could suffer the pain of withdrawal or take more drugs. I did the withdrawal thing more times than you’ll ever know and it’s not pleasurable at all; in fact it’s just the opposite. If you remember there were times where I said I couldn’t go to school or work because I had the flu, but more times than not it was because I was going through withdrawal. I guess the best way to describe withdrawal is insuperable depression and acute anxiety -- a drawn-out agony. Some of the times I choose withdrawal because I didn’t want to use anymore, that I hated who I had become, but
for the most part it was because I didn’t have a choice in the matter…I had run out of drugs. You would think that after experiencing the emotional and physical pain of withdrawal that I would never let myself go through that again…right? See that’s how you see it, but to me it just became a part of my using and a consequence I was willing to pay. You may call that insanity…I call that life.

I’ve been to enough meetings to know the readings by heart and one of the phrases that jumps out at me every time I hear it, is: “when we use drugs we are slowly committing suicide”. I never thought of it that way but now I totally understand what it means…but still I use. I’m sure you remember the show Mash; it was pretty popular when you were growing up. The theme song is actually titled “suicide is painless” and in its context, I’m sure it’s true. But the slow suicide of my using is not painless in the least; I feel the pain and can see the flame of my life getting fainter every time I use.

All those times you yelled at me for my using you gave me exactly what I needed to feed my addiction. You thought you were doing it out of love but you were actually justifying to me what my mind had convinced me I was a long time ago. I look at myself as a failure; as a complete waste of space. There is a line from a song called Southern Cross and this line defines my past and it goes: “I never failed to fail because it’s the easiest thing to do”. When you yell and scream you just confirm to me that I am a failure and after awhile it becomes common place; not to mention expected. Its one thing if I think of myself as a loser or failure but to know that’s how you see me as well makes it easier for my mind to convince me to use. My basic problem is that I flee from those who want me and I pursue my rejecters.

There are a few things you can do if you really want to help me. I know by telling you these things I’m actually cutting off my main money source…you. I will never stop using as long as you keep giving me money or supporting me. I can only stop using when I hit my bottom and only I can put down the shovel and quit digging. When you bail me out, buy me a car, pay for my rent or give me money you aren’t helping me at all; you are only handing me the shovel again and telling me to keep digging. You keep letting me come back home to live because you think you’re helping me out but if your honest, you’ll realize that you are doing it for purely selfish reasons. When you know I’m in the room next door you sleep better. The last thing I’ll confess to you is the real reason I steal from you. I steal from you because I’m counting on you not calling the cops on me. I count on you not wanting me to go to jail; to have a criminal record. I steal from you because you keep letting me move back home.

You make the mistake of thinking that recovery is simply a matter of not drinking or using drugs. And you consider a relapse a sign of complete failure and long periods of abstinence a complete success. But these perceptions are too simplistic. My life is anything but simple and I’m not just talking about my using drugs. The way my mind works, nothing is as easy as just doing it because my mind tries to convince me not to do it. It doesn’t matter how simple of a task it is…even unloading the dishwasher is a mind struggle for me. My mind also loves to make every little thing that goes wrong a major crisis. Let me try to explain this in as simple terms as I possibly can. Let’s say we both go outside in the morning and our cars don’t start. You go in and call a mechanic and I go in and call suicide prevention. I’m what they call a W.C.S person; which stands for worst case scenario. They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste; well my mind is a terrible thing to listen to. Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be…mine won’t let me be happy. My mind
keeps reminding me that there is only 18 inches between a halo and a noose.

Relapse isn’t a requirement but it does happen to quite a few addicts. The hard truth is that if there were 50 addicts in their 1st meeting together, more of us will be dead in 5 years that will have 5 years clean. The last time I relapsed it was because the bottom fell out faster than I could lower my standards. It’s really difficult to solve a problem with the same mind that created it and God knows I’ve created a lot of problems for myself...and for you. I hope some day you will realize that I am not a bad person trying to get good; I’m a sick person trying to get well. I suffer from the disease of addiction. If you believe this you won’t be so critical of me. For a critic is just a person who goes onto the battlefield after the battle has been fought and shoots the survivors. Believe me when I say this; I don’t want to be an addict as much as you wish you weren’t a parent of one.

Offline Tink

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Andy Dick was on Dr. Drew this week, and he's been in Rehab 12 times. He's still alive, because he never gave up on himself.
Denial is the #1 Symptom.

Both episodes of Any Dick - "When I drink, it ain't good"
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/health/2012/02/23/bts-drew-andy-dick-rehab.hln?iref=videosearch

Inside Rehab, with Andy Dick: This episode is INTENSE, beware!
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2012/02/23/exp-drew-inside-rehab-hln.cnn

Black & Proud! I'm like the Oracle/Batgirl, who helps Batman in the comic books. I believe in "Comic Book justice."


Offline hesouttamylife

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 bearhug @LoveShyMichael - I was at work and couldn’t respond the way I wanted to.  So now that I’m in my own living room I want to add that I am so proud of you as a parent and even more proud of the son who has been clean for 6 years.  That deserves applause and praise.  /bravo/   /bravo/  I know that it is one day at a time and tough love is the hardest love to give.  That letter brought tears to my eyes because I have tried to verbalize in some way to parents of addicted children that they are not loving them as best they can when they continue to enable them.  This letter  :cry: oh my God, it says EVERYTHING I could ever want to say.  I plan to give it to the parents so that they can read it over and over anytime they feel they are being mean or cruel when they say NO, so they will not feel that they have let their children down when they do the hardest thing for a parent to do to a child they love and feel they have to nurture and protect, tell them I’m not helping you destroy yourself anymore.  That is awesome.  I am sending you hugs and encouragement across this board straight from the heart, enough to share with your son too.  I am so, so very proud of both of you.   Blessings.
"Don't stop this child, He's the father of man
Don't cross his way, He's part of the plan
I am that child, but so are you
You've just forgotten, Just lost the clue.”

MJ "Magical Child"
Still Rocking my World…
   and leaving me Speechless!

“True goodbyes are the ones never said

Offline LoveShyMichael

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@hesoutofmylife

Thanks! I'm not sure if your we're referring to another person who's been clean for 6 years. My son has been detoxing for 6 DAYS!.....With currently the withdrawls have been ok. I told him that he NEEDS to experience the withdrawls ( even though he'd beg to differ right now) so he KNOW this is not what he want to go back to.

He's set to go to rehab in Chicago for 28 days on Wednesday.

Thanks for the support everyone. Please pass the letter on to whom ever feels like giving IN & givinig up.

My son is only 23, & NEVER did I ever think I'd be experiencing this is my lifetime. But it's real. The pain is real.

I will keep "the hoax famiy" informed.....

LOVE FIRST......

Offline Tink

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@hesoutofmylife

Thanks! I'm not sure if your we're referring to another person who's been clean for 6 years. My son has been detoxing for 6 DAYS!.....With currently the withdrawls have been ok. I told him that he NEEDS to experience the withdrawls ( even though he'd beg to differ right now) so he KNOW this is not what he want to go back to.

He's set to go to rehab in Chicago for 28 days on Wednesday.

Thanks for the support everyone. Please pass the letter on to whom ever feels like giving IN & givinig up.

My son is only 23, & NEVER did I ever think I'd be experiencing this is my lifetime. But it's real. The pain is real.

I will keep "the hoax famiy" informed.....

LOVE FIRST......

Please watch the video links I posted. Andy didn't realize that the love and support was always there. I'm sure your son doesn't realize that, right now.

And for the record: Alcoholism in your parent, does qualify as Addiction running in your family. It's in your DNA, and you possibly are at risk, if you ever over do it yourself. It only takes one night of overdoing it, to flip that switch! 

This is for you, your son, and your family. Be Strong and loving!
 bearhug

Black & Proud! I'm like the Oracle/Batgirl, who helps Batman in the comic books. I believe in "Comic Book justice."


Offline fordtocarr

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Same post, posted twice.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2012, 07:51:35 PM by fordtocarr »

Offline fordtocarr

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I just heard my daughter tell me she's been taking xanies at 12 at a time with...vicodens...somas..and alcohol because she's just depressed.  I could NOT believe she said it..so casually.  She lives away from me in the "big city".  I don't really have much to do with her, sadly, because she DRAINS my life.  My bank and deposits me for almost 18 years with her kids, whom I just CANNOT help either.  She's 36 years old.
It sickens me...it worries me. 
I know how parents of addicts feel now.  Addictions absorb lives.  Parents cannot control the addict.  You can lock them up (they ARE) adults, but it returns.  Addicts seclude themselves from family, unless they want something, or to steal from them...
It's scary...it's sad...it's all new to me..just this week.
I told her, "you'll be the next Whitney"... of course she don't care.
Addicts think it won't happen to them.  They can handle it.  They can handle more.
Til they can't.
She's out there in the world today..someplace...I have no clue where..some hotel, some guys house...dragging along her teenagers with her.
It's sick.  It's a sick world.  It's evil.  It's terrifying.
I understand how these celebrity parents of addicts must feel......lost, empty and just waiting and praying...

Offline Tink

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I just heard my daughter tell me she's been taking xanies at 12 at a time with...vicodens...somas..and alcohol because she's just depressed.  I could NOT believe she said it..so casually.  She lives away from me in the "big city".  I don't really have much to do with her, sadly, because she DRAINS my life.  My bank and deposits me for almost 18 years with her kids, whom I just CANNOT help either.  She's 36 years old.
It sickens me...it worries me. 
I know how parents of addicts feel now.  Addictions absorb lives.  Parents cannot control the addict.  You can lock them up (they ARE) adults, but it returns.  Addicts seclude themselves from family, unless they want something, or to steal from them...
It's scary...it's sad...it's all new to me..just this week.
I told her, "you'll be the next Whitney"... of course she don't care.
Addicts think it won't happen to them.  They can handle it.  They can handle more.
Til they can't.
She's out there in the world today..someplace...I have no clue where..some hotel, some guys house...dragging along her teenagers with her.
It's sick.  It's a sick world.  It's evil.  It's terrifying.
I understand how these celebrity parents of addicts must feel......lost, empty and just waiting and praying...

 bearhug

I'm so very, very sorry! Please watch the Dr. Drew videos. I used to detest him, think he's pompous. But he's trying to cut through the BS the Addicts toss up, just to REACH them, so the love can reach them.

Unfortunately, "helping" them with money, etc. doesn't really help them at all! They need to hit rock bottom - they need to ASK for help, so their mind is in the right place. Unfortunately, I've only seen Addicts recover in Fairy Tales.  :'( Addiction runs on both sides of my family, so it terrifies me. Dr. Drew's series put to rest my fears, when I heard how addicts exaggerate everything. They'll say, "Oh, my pain's a 20 out of 10!" Well, gee - the pain scales only a 10/10, dummy!

It's in God's hands - you can't waste your heart and mind worrying about her too much; you did your best.

Addiction is a Brain Disease; it has nothing to do with will power - and they always think it's under control. I've lost people to it, both in their sleep and horrifyingly dramatically. They think Alcohol just doubles it; it's far, far worse than that! :'(

Black & Proud! I'm like the Oracle/Batgirl, who helps Batman in the comic books. I believe in "Comic Book justice."


Offline LoveShyMichael

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@Tink.......

No alcohol or drugs for me. That is the main reason I got off my prescription drugs. After I read the devasting side effects, & was experiencing some of the twitches, clenched jaw, sore muscles, among others symptons of my Adderall, I went off everything.

I don't like the after affects of alcohol, which pretty much gives me a headache & makes me waste the whole next day sleeping...........no thanks!

I know every family is "dysfuntional", so as long as we all try as a family to support my son thru his addiction, I have to change myself to be a better mother.

It's amazing how as parents we can love & hate them for their addiction.

Addiction robs young & old of their life & life with their family.


Offline LoveShyMichael

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I just heard my daughter tell me she's been taking xanies at 12 at a time with...vicodens...somas..and alcohol because she's just depressed.  I could NOT believe she said it..so casually.  She lives away from me in the "big city".  I don't really have much to do with her, sadly, because she DRAINS my life.  My bank and deposits me for almost 18 years with her kids, whom I just CANNOT help either.  She's 36 years old.
It sickens me...it worries me. 
I know how parents of addicts feel now.  Addictions absorb lives.  Parents cannot control the addict.  You can lock them up (they ARE) adults, but it returns.  Addicts seclude themselves from family, unless they want something, or to steal from them...
It's scary...it's sad...it's all new to me..just this week.
I told her, "you'll be the next Whitney"... of course she don't care.
Addicts think it won't happen to them.  They can handle it.  They can handle more.
Til they can't.
She's out there in the world today..someplace...I have no clue where..some hotel, some guys house...dragging along her teenagers with her.
It's sick.  It's a sick world.  It's evil.  It's terrifying.
I understand how these celebrity parents of addicts must feel......lost, empty and just waiting and praying...

I know first hand of the hands of addiction, especially the stealing.

I just found out 2 weeks ago that my son was forging my checks, & making the checks out to himself & cashing them to the tune to about $8,000. And I'm not done adding up the figures yet.

My bank will only cover $963.00 because they only cover funds for up to 60 days. Because I didn't notice it till 4 monthes later, ( yes, my fault on not checking balances when living with an addict), but in the back of my mind, I really didn't think he'd actually forge checks, but addiction there is no limit on what they will and wont do.

Yes, it's HELL,  a parents private HELL!  As much as I wanted to keep believing the lies or truth what ever he felt like telling me, it was still a blow to my heart, because everytime I wanted to give him that little bit of my heart for trust, he stomped on it again & again.

I cannot put a price tag on my kids life, & with all the money he has stolen, all the stuff he's pawned of mine, I realize he's sick, & he needs help, & that's my job as a parent to direct him & put all my hurt & anger aside & help him get well.

I hope you find that in your heart to open up to your daughter, & please check into rehab facilities that will offer any public funding. My son is on my insurance, so his out of pocket will be $2400, for the 28 in patient treatment. The treatment center goes off his income, ( which is none) & they offer publice assistance for up to $2000 to cover some expenses, will helps the addict not have extremely high bill coming out of rehab, which is more stress on them to stay clean.

What I read about your daughter, is all too familiar, of what I experienced with my son.

You don't have to wait for an addict to hit a rock bottom....how long are we suppose to wait?  until their dead?
There is a new book about Intervention.....I enclosed the picture in my post. It's new & improved ways of handling an intervention.
My heart & tears go out to every parent & families affected by addiction!

Offline Tink

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An addict does have to hit rock bottom; that's what an Intervention IS: pointing it out, and WHISKING THEM AWAY for help! WHEN you can afford it, or can get the funds, etc., set up for it!!

It's a fine, fine knife's edge. You must have everything in place, to properly run an Intervention. You must put the Addict in a horrible place: ROCK BOTTOM, and no way out, except through going to REHAB! Give them no choice; no co-dependency way out.

Does anyone KNOW why Dr. Drew runs Celebrity Rehab, btw? And not Joe Schmo Rehab for tv? TO GET OUR ATTENTION ON REHAB! To hold a mirror up to us, and get us to see our reflection.

We have an Epidemic on our hands! ONE ADDICT dies every 19 minutes. Dr. Drew even admitted that until his patients started to take prescription drugs, they were living. But when they switched their Addiction from street drugs to what they thought were acceptable drugs, they don't get it: addictive drugs to an Addict, are still drugs!

Addicts themselves don't get this!! They think, "Oh, I can CONTROL the types of drugs I take." NO, you cannot!
Watch this - and you will hear that woman sitting next to Andy talking about how she thought she could control her drug usage, and didn't understand
that any drugs are bad for Addicts: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2012/02/23/exp-drew-inside-rehab-hln.cnn
Black & Proud! I'm like the Oracle/Batgirl, who helps Batman in the comic books. I believe in "Comic Book justice."


Offline MJonmind

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My heart goes out to you Tink, Fordtocarr, and LoveShyMichael, in your difficult situations. May God give you strength and wisdom for the days and years ahead. 

Offline Tink

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My heart goes out to you Tink, Fordtocarr, and LoveShyMichael, in your difficult situations. May God give you strength and wisdom for the days and years ahead.
Thank you...my little sister moved out from the family home over New Year's. I've only been able to face them, and march them into Rehab. Only a few survived - but one has returned to drinking and smoking pot, thinking that he's self medicating "naturally" for a shattered spine. Those living and gone, are truly in God's hands now. It's ripped my family apart at the highest levels. And as a chronic pain patient, I stay in constant contact with my doctor.

Truly painful, to hide all my medications from my family & alleged friends.

Once I left 10 generic Motrin in my Vicodin bottle as a test. After everyone left? I was left with: 5. It's truly an Addiction; they can't help themselves. After that visit? I've painfully not invited anyone over, because I don't know who it was at all...
Black & Proud! I'm like the Oracle/Batgirl, who helps Batman in the comic books. I believe in "Comic Book justice."


Offline applehead250609

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Thank you Grace........

I posted this also on the Whitney Houston Dead at 48, but I also feel it deserves a posting on it's own. (Grace just gave me that sign it was just as important as I always thought it was)

Because this topic has hit home for me, my son being a herion addict, I feel this subject could save someone's life....whether or not it's prescription drugs or illegal drugs.

We have lost so many artists, performers due to Addiction, please lets help each other out, & bring awareness to the fatal consquences.

This letter is NOT FROM MY SON, but I'm sure any parent that has a child that's an addict will see how addiction has taken over their life....

I KNOW IT'S LONG, BUT IT'S WORTH EVERY WORD TO READ, YOU COULD SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE!


I’m your Qualifier

I want to introduce myself to you; I’m your qualifier and the reason you’re here. You believe just because you gave me life and raised me that you know me…but you really don’t. I’d like to use this time to introduce the real me to you so maybe you can gain a better understanding of why I am the way I am, why I do the things I do and why I’ve done some of the things I’ve done. I don’t know if I was born an addict but I do know the first time I got high and addict was born.

First of all you have to accept the fact that I think differently than you do. Some of this will make sense to you and some of this will sound like excuses that you’ve heard before, but just know that the ones that sound like excuses are based on my fact, my perspective and the knowledge and experience of the people who are trying to help me get clean. These are people I have placed my trust and faith in because all they want from me is to succeed in my endeavor to stay clean for another day. You have you own goals for me like going to college, getting a job, getting married and finally having kids so you can have grandkids and can show all of your friends their pictures. See these are your goals for me and not necessarily my goals for myself.

Let me try to explain how I see things. See, you think I have a drug problem but I don’t; I have a living problem. You think I use drugs but the reality is that the drugs use me. Drugs are for those of us that can't handle reality, and reality is for people like you that can't handle their drugs. To me Reality is a nice place to visit but I really don’t like living there. I live in constant fear of letting you down; of not living up to your expectations. I put off doing things out of fear and you call me a procrastinator, but procrastination is just a 5 syllable word for fear.
Drugs make me feel alive and normal, but they also make me paranoid, incoherent and both destructive and pathetically and relentlessly self-destructive. Then I would do unconscionable things in order to feel normal and alive again. Drugs gave me wings and then slowly took away my sky. I looked to drugs for courage and they made me a coward. You say that I had always been a sensitive, perceptive, joyful and exceptionally bright child, but on drugs I became unrecognizable. You should try looking in the mirror and not knowing the reflection looking back at you. I long for the day I am able to look in the mirror and be OK with the person I see looking back.

Like all kids, when I was really young I used to think there was a monster in my closet and under my bed and you would come into my room and reassure me that there wasn’t one by opening the closet and looking under the bed. Now that I am older you can’t convince me of that anymore and it’s not your job to. But since I found drugs I’ve come to the realization that there is a monster; but it’s not in my closet or under the bed but inside of me, and that if I can’t learn to ignore it, it will destroy me.

When I first started getting high it was pleasurable for awhile; I had finally experienced nirvana, and then the euphoria wore off and I began to see the ugly side of my using and I experienced hell. I found the higher the drugs got me the lower they brought me. After awhile I faced 2 choices, either I could suffer the pain of withdrawal or take more drugs. I did the withdrawal thing more times than you’ll ever know and it’s not pleasurable at all; in fact it’s just the opposite. If you remember there were times where I said I couldn’t go to school or work because I had the flu, but more times than not it was because I was going through withdrawal. I guess the best way to describe withdrawal is insuperable depression and acute anxiety -- a drawn-out agony. Some of the times I choose withdrawal because I didn’t want to use anymore, that I hated who I had become, but
for the most part it was because I didn’t have a choice in the matter…I had run out of drugs. You would think that after experiencing the emotional and physical pain of withdrawal that I would never let myself go through that again…right? See that’s how you see it, but to me it just became a part of my using and a consequence I was willing to pay. You may call that insanity…I call that life.

I’ve been to enough meetings to know the readings by heart and one of the phrases that jumps out at me every time I hear it, is: “when we use drugs we are slowly committing suicide”. I never thought of it that way but now I totally understand what it means…but still I use. I’m sure you remember the show Mash; it was pretty popular when you were growing up. The theme song is actually titled “suicide is painless” and in its context, I’m sure it’s true. But the slow suicide of my using is not painless in the least; I feel the pain and can see the flame of my life getting fainter every time I use.

All those times you yelled at me for my using you gave me exactly what I needed to feed my addiction. You thought you were doing it out of love but you were actually justifying to me what my mind had convinced me I was a long time ago. I look at myself as a failure; as a complete waste of space. There is a line from a song called Southern Cross and this line defines my past and it goes: “I never failed to fail because it’s the easiest thing to do”. When you yell and scream you just confirm to me that I am a failure and after awhile it becomes common place; not to mention expected. Its one thing if I think of myself as a loser or failure but to know that’s how you see me as well makes it easier for my mind to convince me to use. My basic problem is that I flee from those who want me and I pursue my rejecters.

There are a few things you can do if you really want to help me. I know by telling you these things I’m actually cutting off my main money source…you. I will never stop using as long as you keep giving me money or supporting me. I can only stop using when I hit my bottom and only I can put down the shovel and quit digging. When you bail me out, buy me a car, pay for my rent or give me money you aren’t helping me at all; you are only handing me the shovel again and telling me to keep digging. You keep letting me come back home to live because you think you’re helping me out but if your honest, you’ll realize that you are doing it for purely selfish reasons. When you know I’m in the room next door you sleep better. The last thing I’ll confess to you is the real reason I steal from you. I steal from you because I’m counting on you not calling the cops on me. I count on you not wanting me to go to jail; to have a criminal record. I steal from you because you keep letting me move back home.

You make the mistake of thinking that recovery is simply a matter of not drinking or using drugs. And you consider a relapse a sign of complete failure and long periods of abstinence a complete success. But these perceptions are too simplistic. My life is anything but simple and I’m not just talking about my using drugs. The way my mind works, nothing is as easy as just doing it because my mind tries to convince me not to do it. It doesn’t matter how simple of a task it is…even unloading the dishwasher is a mind struggle for me. My mind also loves to make every little thing that goes wrong a major crisis. Let me try to explain this in as simple terms as I possibly can. Let’s say we both go outside in the morning and our cars don’t start. You go in and call a mechanic and I go in and call suicide prevention. I’m what they call a W.C.S person; which stands for worst case scenario. They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste; well my mind is a terrible thing to listen to. Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be…mine won’t let me be happy. My mind
keeps reminding me that there is only 18 inches between a halo and a noose.

Relapse isn’t a requirement but it does happen to quite a few addicts. The hard truth is that if there were 50 addicts in their 1st meeting together, more of us will be dead in 5 years that will have 5 years clean. The last time I relapsed it was because the bottom fell out faster than I could lower my standards. It’s really difficult to solve a problem with the same mind that created it and God knows I’ve created a lot of problems for myself...and for you. I hope some day you will realize that I am not a bad person trying to get good; I’m a sick person trying to get well. I suffer from the disease of addiction. If you believe this you won’t be so critical of me. For a critic is just a person who goes onto the battlefield after the battle has been fought and shoots the survivors. Believe me when I say this; I don’t want to be an addict as much as you wish you weren’t a parent of one.

LoveShyMichael thank you very much for opening your heart again to us  bearhug .You wrote about the problmes your son has in response to one of my posts I made last year  :( :
http://www.michaeljacksonhoaxforum.com/smf2.0/index.php?topic=21594.0
My father had big problems with alcohol and I know that this problem if for life unfortunately  :( .He tells me many times that he has the desire to drink BUT he thinks at us,his children  :'( and at the consequences of that,because if he stars to drink again,all his hard work will be lost  :'( .
Recently on CNN ,after what happened to Whitney I saw alot of discussion about addiction.Addiction doesen't discriminate sadly and Tink was right cause this happens to all people not just celebrities.


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X58U9rO6rIo[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eafrt42L1SA[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e33M_SrBEh0&feature=g-u-u&context=G28a6135FUAAAAAAAAAA[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hR_4uYKnOyo[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owW8-R7OQ_A[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsiDZskq9lQ[/youtube]

Again I'm really sorry for the pain all of you are enduring  :( , and I wish you all strength and LOVE .Family is very important in this moments and because of this,you realise how important FAMILY IS  bearhug .

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAyKJAtDNCw&ob=av3e[/youtube]

P.S. Thank you for the links Tink  bearhug .



Offline fordtocarr

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  • Posts: 1547
I know addiction runs in families, but in mine, NO ONE has ever drank, done drugs or even smoked.  I brought my kids up in the Kingdom Hall.  But, now all 3 of my kids smoke and 2 smoke pot (they're all in mid 30's) and this one daughter...well, I've just found out what I posted.  I've been suspicious, but she's always just laughed off my inquiries. 
Addiction don't just cause people to steal to pay for the habit.  My daughter and her kids steal just because they want things.  From stores, from me.  Even things like nice bras and under ware of mine.  I'll look forever...weeks for things and they'll just sit not saying a thing...then when one narcs the other out (my daughter and her kids) they blame the other.  They steal food...sell their food stamps...you see them climbing through windows, not only mine..for places to sleep. 
I can't help her...I've tried for almost 20 years before I KNEW about these presc. pills.  I'd about lost my mind with all her and her kids have done.  I'd be in and out of school for her kids, in and out of court, probation meetings...doctors, hospitals, and losing my bank accounts from her over drafting me.
I think, honestly, what you don't know, don't hurt you.  It's cold, but I can either let her make her own decisions and save my own life and sanity, or go down with her because she LOVES her life.  She really does.  It's fun, it's cool.  I've tried the sticking by her and I just sink down to where she is.  Hearing all about her evils...how cool and fun it is to have her borrow her bosses expensive car and get it shot up with bullets!  About her finding people dead in the hotel she lives in off and on.  Not to mention the calls in the night...loss of money to pay my car which I lost from it...
It just NEVER ends.  Addicts minds always is on the go scheming about how to get money without really working for it cuz they can't hold onto jobs...and how to survive by not losing kids, places to stay, food to eat, clothes to wear and get the daily pills, alcohol and cigarettes.
I love her, but at some point we have to step back and say, if the addict isn't going to change, I'm not losing my life too.
And pray always.

Offline LoveShyMichael

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  • Hoaxer
  • Posts: 471
  • You don't have to explain something you never said
@fordtocarr

Yes, your story sounds very familiar. But I agree there is a breaking point for a parent. Sounds like you're to the point. Everyone has difference tolerance of pain levels, including emotional pain. I know it's just been 7 DAYS for my son, but I can also see him wanting to make excuses of not going to rehab, just thinking he "thinks" he can do it on his own. HE CAN'T....

Your right also , alot of praying, & sometimes when times really get bad, I always say...."well God, why are you allowing my son to shoot up herion?".....why?

My thoughts & prayers are also with you, because no parent ever wants to bury their child. Today I won't either.

 

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