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Alone and cold inside...
May 03, 2010, 11:48:21 PM
I feel so empty right now... :(  :cry:

...And it has nothing to do with the hoax. I'm a believer 100% (since last August).
It has something to do with my life. Many days and nights I wonder what my purpose is on this Earth (even though my interest and passion is in Entertainment, Music, Arts).
I just feel like I've been thrown away. I feel like an outsider looking in, 95% of the time, I feel like I'm invisible, like I simply do not BELONG. Like I am PUT HERE on this Earth to be humiliated and shunned.
And no matter what I do, at times, it seems as if I cannot get it RIGHT! :cry:  :cry:

Earlier tonight I was feeling great, I was outside talking with the young, neighborhood kids around 4 or 5pm and then my mom started to talk on the phone a around 8 to her sister and then I thought about my family and then I thought about my cousin (a daughter of another sister on Mom's side)who is supposed to be an EVANGELIST, a devout Christian and then I remember how recently she has not gotten in touch with me and when she does get in touch, it's usually as if she is calling or emailing or whatever, just to get some HELP with something. It didn't used to be like this, really. She would get in touch more frequently. I understand she is busy but isn't it true that you're never too busy for family, right? Despite the hanging out I have done in the past, I have found her not too different from other people who criticize, nit-pick and point out everything wrong that I do-i.e. wearing mini-shorts; she hates the mini-shorts I own and refuses to go out with me in those shorts, so then I change, judging little things, even down to the way I talk sometimes (I've been told to be quiet before because I made an error in judgement last year when I was talking to one of the kids associated with the ministry my cousin founded),She seemed cold towards me when there were three of us working on a project and warmer towards the girl (Me, a new girl I met, and my cousin) etc.
I've confronted her about this and she seemed calm and accepted it in a mature, serious manner, but now I barely want to be around her much anymore because of her bossiness and slight indifferences. I guess, I want to start over in a sense, but I don't know if my feelings about our friendship will be the same anymore, because I'm great at holding grudges (Another super trait I have *sarcasm*  :roll:  :| ) and she TICKS me off sometimes!  :evil:  :evil:
I have another cousin (another side of the family) who is sort of estranged. We played together as kids and now she doesn't call or send me e-mails at all! I've sensed that all along she has had her nose high in the air, thinking she's better than some people (including myself).  :roll:  :|

I do often wonder how Michael was so strong in overcoming his struggles with negative press, policy brutality, haters and the like throughout his career without cracking under pressure. He was so strong and kept on loving, even when haters didn't deserve that love. I want to be like him so much: graceful, more loving, optimistic and positive, but mostly STRONG, but sometimes I keep finding myself come up SHORT.  He is my hero. <3

I also often wonder if I were a different person, would some of these same people give me the respect I deserve? What did I ever do to make them shun and judge me so, but be nice and kind?

And this week I have an art competition, I submitted my work and it was chosen by the judge who is a well-known artist in the art world. I should be more focused and happy on that and instead these feelings come at me again like a ton of bricks.
I'm sorry for such a long post but I had to get these feelings off my chest.  
I just don't GET IT.  :?:  :?:  :? :cry:
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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*

MJonmind

Re: Alone and cold inside...
May 04, 2010, 01:38:13 AM
Hope tomorrow is better for you!
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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Re: Alone and cold inside...
May 04, 2010, 01:44:36 AM
its hard to just get respect from others, you more or less have to take it!
stand your ground, but be polite, make an argument rather than scream no mather how upset you are. And as for other people who seem needy  ie only wants help but never ask how you are doing or if you need help, make them understand that you dont mind helping them if you can, but that they cant  always count on it. Put yourself first. Needy people drains you.

As for  not feeling like you fit in, you need to find something new in your life, make your mind up about how YOU want your life to be. Not how everyone else wants it to be. Its your life! my advice  would also be NOT to mix tomuch religion into your choices or the way you live. Dont get me wrong. You can absolutely belive in anything or anyone you want, but dont get fanatic about it and always respect that other people have other belives. your faith, what you belive in, is yours alone. one way to say i is: Dont ever mix religion with politics.  that goes for every aspect of life.

and with that said, maybe your town is to small for you, maybe you need to get out in the world, travel, go to a school far away from home-just to find yourself, mix with people you normaly wouldnt to get other perspectives on life.

you will be fine, just give it some time...
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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"This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning." – Sir Winston Churchill



Re: Alone and cold inside...
May 04, 2010, 01:58:42 AM
Hey...I'm sorry you're feeling down.  What caught me most was the end of your post, where you wondered why you weren't feeling up and happy for your artwork that you did so great on! I think you have too many negative tapes going on in your head - from everyone around you, or especially those specific people that keep feeding you negativity, as though you are nothing but a disappointment with one thing or another. You know, my mom told me something when I was little, that I carry through my life, even as an adult. She taught me that when someone has nothing good to say about me, it's because that person is unhappy inside. Dissatisfaction with oneself, always comes out in the way that person sees other people. Like seeing through yellow tinted sunglasses - what will you see? Things in yellow tint. Rose tinted glasses? You'll see things in Rose tint. Same thing. The soul, the heart, carries so many emotions. When a person is subconciously unhappy with the way things are in their lives, when they are not satisfied about themselves, whatever it may be - they are prone to start pointint out faults of other people around them. This is to compensate for their own feelings of short comings. Most times they don't realize they are doing it, but that's where it comes from. So my mom always said, "Whenever someone cuts you down, just turn the other way and when you're alone, say a prayer for them, to heal their bitter heart - and then thank God for your happy heart, because when you're happy, you give happiness to others." Hope you feel better tomorrow...here's a great song/video to watch. It's the Spike Lee version video of MJ's "On the Line"...  You are not allowed to view links. Register or Login
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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Re: Alone and cold inside...
May 04, 2010, 06:45:02 AM
You remind me so much of myself, always the different one since I was young and feeling misunderstood by peers and family, and holding grudges and finding it hard to forgive a lot of times.  I also appreciate music so much and have done a lot of activities around it, and feeling inspired by how michael did it, so I totally know how you feel about the arts and wanted to congratulate you.  And whenever I felt stressed, I would tell myself if he got through all his shit and that trial, I can do it too and him dying reminded me that he's human after all even though I knew this all along anyways, if that makes any sense.

You're going to be fine, just believe in yourself, and if you need the extra help if your emotoins are interferring with how you function, go for it.  Even though I'm still down, I've been getting help and I'm not all the way there yet but it's slowly happening.
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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Re: Alone and cold inside...
May 04, 2010, 08:31:38 AM
Quote from: "MJonmind"
Hope tomorrow is better for you!
Thanks! I feel a little better this morning!  :D
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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Re: Alone and cold inside...
May 04, 2010, 08:34:30 AM
Quote from: "50thstatebeliever"
Hey...I'm sorry you're feeling down.  What caught me most was the end of your post, where you wondered why you weren't feeling up and happy for your artwork that you did so great on! I think you have too many negative tapes going on in your head - from everyone around you, or especially those specific people that keep feeding you negativity, as though you are nothing but a disappointment with one thing or another. You know, my mom told me something when I was little, that I carry through my life, even as an adult. She taught me that when someone has nothing good to say about me, it's because that person is unhappy inside. Dissatisfaction with oneself, always comes out in the way that person sees other people. Like seeing through yellow tinted sunglasses - what will you see? Things in yellow tint. Rose tinted glasses? You'll see things in Rose tint. Same thing. The soul, the heart, carries so many emotions. When a person is subconsciously unhappy with the way things are in their lives, when they are not satisfied about themselves, whatever it may be - they are prone to start pointing out faults of other people around them. This is to compensate for their own feelings of short comings. Most times they don't realize they are doing it, but that's where it comes from. So my mom always said, "Whenever someone cuts you down, just turn the other way and when you're alone, say a prayer for them, to heal their bitter heart - and then thank God for your happy heart, because when you're happy, you give happiness to others." Hope you feel better tomorrow...here's a great song/video to watch. It's the Spike Lee version video of MJ's "On the Line"...  You are not allowed to view links. Register or Login

I agree and I've been told that some ppl are insecure. I guess I have to remind myself that they are insecure of themselves so they slight others and hate on others who are different. I feel my cousins could possibly insecure, but it's surprising in reference to a woman who is an evangelist and a minister.  :o
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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Re: Alone and cold inside...
May 04, 2010, 08:35:27 AM
Quote from: "GreenManMakeAChange"
You remind me so much of myself, always the different one since I was young and feeling misunderstood by peers and family, and holding grudges and finding it hard to forgive a lot of times.  I also appreciate music so much and have done a lot of activities around it, and feeling inspired by how michael did it, so I totally know how you feel about the arts and wanted to congratulate you.  And whenever I felt stressed, I would tell myself if he got through all his shit and that trial, I can do it too and him dying reminded me that he's human after all even though I knew this all along anyways, if that makes any sense.

You're going to be fine, just believe in yourself, and if you need the extra help if your emotoins are interferring with how you function, go for it.  Even though I'm still down, I've been getting help and I'm not all the way there yet but it's slowly happening.

Thanks. We have something in common.  :)  :)
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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Re: Alone and cold inside...
May 04, 2010, 09:03:58 AM
Wow, thank you so much for posting this. It brought tears to my eyes. I can honestly say I can relate so much to how you're feeling. Sounds like I have a lot in common with you.

 Chi-town, does that mean you're in Chicago? Because I am only about 3 hours away from Chicago  :)

I hope today is better for you. I would love to see your art!
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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What you have just witnessed could be the end of a particularly terrifying nightmare. It isn’t. It’s the beginning.

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Re: Alone and cold inside...
May 04, 2010, 09:07:15 AM
Quote from: "jacilovesmichael"
Wow, thank you so much for posting this. It brought tears to my eyes. I can honestly say I can relate so much to how you're feeling. Sounds like I have a lot in common with you.

 Chi-town, does that mean you're in Chicago? Because I am only about 3 hours away from Chicago  :)

I hope today is better for you. I would love to see your art!

Hi, Jaci!!! Wow, I didn't realize my post was so touching.  :oops:  :oops: I am glad we have something in common! And yes I do live in Chicago! :D As for art, I am trying to figure out where to post my artwork (what section) on this forum.  :lol:  :lol:  :oops:
Oh and thanks I do feel much better this morning. ^^
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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Re: Alone and cold inside...
May 05, 2010, 11:08:00 AM
Quote from: "Stranger In Chi-town"
Quote from: "GreenManMakeAChange"
You remind me so much of myself, always the different one since I was young and feeling misunderstood by peers and family, and holding grudges and finding it hard to forgive a lot of times.  I also appreciate music so much and have done a lot of activities around it, and feeling inspired by how michael did it, so I totally know how you feel about the arts and wanted to congratulate you.  And whenever I felt stressed, I would tell myself if he got through all his shit and that trial, I can do it too and him dying reminded me that he's human after all even though I knew this all along anyways, if that makes any sense.

You're going to be fine, just believe in yourself, and if you need the extra help if your emotoins are interferring with how you function, go for it.  Even though I'm still down, I've been getting help and I'm not all the way there yet but it's slowly happening.

Thanks. We have something in common.  :)  :)

anytime hun :) Also I don't understand people who are older and accomplished and treat someone else like shit for no reason if they're younger or feel jealous, it makes no sense at all cause I went through that with a coworker once
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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Re: Alone and cold inside...
May 05, 2010, 06:32:25 PM
Quote from: "GreenManMakeAChange"
Quote from: "Stranger In Chi-town"
Quote from: "GreenManMakeAChange"
You remind me so much of myself, always the different one since I was young and feeling misunderstood by peers and family, and holding grudges and finding it hard to forgive a lot of times.  I also appreciate music so much and have done a lot of activities around it, and feeling inspired by how michael did it, so I totally know how you feel about the arts and wanted to congratulate you.  And whenever I felt stressed, I would tell myself if he got through all his shit and that trial, I can do it too and him dying reminded me that he's human after all even though I knew this all along anyways, if that makes any sense.

You're going to be fine, just believe in yourself, and if you need the extra help if your emotoins are interferring with how you function, go for it.  Even though I'm still down, I've been getting help and I'm not all the way there yet but it's slowly happening.

Thanks. We have something in common.  :)  :)

anytime hun :) Also I don't understand people who are older and accomplished and treat someone else like shit for no reason if they're younger or feel jealous, it makes no sense at all cause I went through that with a coworker once

Yeah! I mean my cousin is nice and all, but she needs to stop being so bossy towards people (me, included); she even tries to boss her own MOM around, sometimes and then her mom tells her where to go STUFF it. LMAO!  :lol:  :lol:
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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Re: Alone and cold inside...
May 05, 2010, 08:29:53 PM
I too feel as you do.  Although mine mostly centers around work.  For some reason many people do dislike me.  But mostly clients, customers or self empolyed bosses seem to love me.  But bosses who are in the corporate world dislike me too.  I even went to a psychic and said nothing about this and she said " WOW ! there are a lot of people who dislike you ".  I asked her why and she said,  "That I am imtimidating, somehow and it is just me and the way I am."   "It is just who you are".    When in fact I love people I always try to help others and I cannot stand pushy or phony people.  So what to do, absolutely nothing !

I realize I am the way God made me, and I will be proud of it no matter what ! As I know my mind, and heart are in the right place.  
So a word to the wise, do not ever place your self value on what others feel about you.  As they see the world through a different lense and will never view the world as you do/

I tend to find people who think and view life as I do, and I simply do not put myself around
people who are not good for my self esteem/

Good Luck, Please know that we are here for you and we care  :D
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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Re: Alone and cold inside...
May 06, 2010, 12:52:18 AM
Quote from: "letstalkagain"
I too feel as you do.  Although mine mostly centers around work.  For some reason many people do dislike me.  But mostly clients, customers or self empolyed bosses seem to love me.  But bosses who are in the corporate world dislike me too.  I even went to a psychic and said nothing about this and she said " WOW ! there are a lot of people who dislike you ".  I asked her why and she said,  "That I am imtimidating, somehow and it is just me and the way I am."   "It is just who you are".    When in fact I love people I always try to help others and I cannot stand pushy or phony people.  So what to do, absolutely nothing !

I realize I am the way God made me, and I will be proud of it no matter what ! As I know my mind, and heart are in the right place.  
So a word to the wise, do not ever place your self value on what others feel about you.  As they see the world through a different lense and will never view the world as you do/

I tend to find people who think and view life as I do, and I simply do not put myself around
people who are not good for my self esteem/

Good Luck, Please know that we are here for you and we care  :D

I don't blame you for wanting to surround yourself with like-minded, positive people.
I agree that some people can get intimidated by you, no matter what. Happens to the best of us, I guess, that we all get intimidated by someone, whether they are out to criticize us or just friendly and kind, like in your case. I need to keep reminding myself and refresh myself that not everyone will like me the way I am and that there are always those who will want to change me into a different mold or nit-pick, nag or criticize.
In the future I too, want to surround myself with great people .
I thank you all for your kind words. <3 <3 <3 <3
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Re: Alone and cold inside...
May 06, 2010, 10:58:56 PM
Wow I feel like you guys are my soulmates or something though I know people go through this.  I'm always really nice to everyone but tend to get people to dislike me and never know why.  This coworker really really hated me and one time even told me I'm scary as hell when I hadn't done anything to her and she's much older than me, it was more than that, but it was the meanest thing anyone said to me in my life.  But if I talk to anyone about these things, they say people are jealous of me when I don't feel there is anything about myself to be jealous of.  Even psychics told me it's jealousy and really bad hate from her
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