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Shout

Re: are you having one of those?
March 12, 2010, 07:26:48 PM
Quote from: "GreenManMakeAChange"
I didn't want to take meds but I eventually on them.  I was already suffering from depression for a very long time and was in denial, there was another incident I was dealing with and then michael's death overshadowed that.  I was in shock with it , but couldn't cry right away and got giddy and had opposite reactions and couldn't understand wtf was going on but as more hours passed and I didn't sleep the cries eventually came and built up more and more, coupled with the anger, but I was mostly in a state of shock and wanted to cry so badly but it wasn't coming out, it was trapped and I was getting body pain and all kinds of stuff and flashbacks on june 25th, I had a thousand feelings hit me when I read the words yes he's dead on my msn.  Shock, anger, sadness, omg his kids, his family, janet, all the fans on the boards and people I know, even relief that his suffering is over, all kinds of things, how much he helped me, how much pain he made me feel, a million things.  And each time I look back on a flashback, I perceive it differently.  I sometimes wonder if I didn't cry cause I didn't care, but of course I cared or i wouldn't be upset.  All the messages from people who thought of me when he died cause they all knew I was the 'mj girl', shit omg, OMG, and writing in my status I've accepted it and people not getting my calmness even though I Didn't know wtf I was doing, my sister crying before me, and me laughing saying it'll be ok, and not knowing why I did that when I felt shaky like I was going to collapse and my body doing all it can to protect me from exploding and the feeling getting worse.  I was slowly beginning to tear up but felt shaky just lost, and as soon as I heard about the missing doctor I went OMFG NO and just cried so much, then I called a hotline to talk about it and I couldn't say the words, just said something horrible has happened and cried and cried hard for 10 minutes straight, OMG.  I wanted to cry so badly with the fans at the vigils and tributes, but it wasn't coming out, I was numb.  I was in a daze during the memorial, I was sad the very first time I woke up and remembered the events. At Beyonce's show during the tributes from her and other artists, I cried so hard and fell to the floor sobbing in my mj shirt, omg I don't know how I lived through everything, shit!

Reading this makes me feel very sorry, and I undertand your pain very much. I often ask myself would Michael really hurt his fans that much...I remember how I felt that day when a friend of mine has send me a sms about Michaels death and that it must be true because they report it everywhere on tv. I was at work then and I was so damn sad, so everyone could see...there were bad times for me then...it was too much to take and still is sometimes. Yes, there were many people who thought about me and called me even after many years of no cantact.

I understand your shock, sometimes people react like that when the pain comes too sudden. That is why I cannot blame the Jackson family for not crying. Can someone imagine this incredible pain which they must have if Michael is really dead??? That is not a clue that Michael is alive, it is life in different colours!! It  is a trauma when a person dies suddenly especially for children!!! So why pay attention to that...it is not right to my mind. Yes they do not grief as we would expect it..but...we are not in their position!!
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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At a time of pervasive fraud, it is a revolutionary act to say the truth!

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Re: are you having one of those?
March 12, 2010, 09:13:40 PM
Yeah that' why I understood why janet smiled, she is acting exactly like me, and I'm one to cry right away if I've lost someone close.  And as the days and weeks passed, I came to more realizations.  No more award shows with him appearing, no more cheers with hopes it's him, no more limos with hopes it's him, I will never ever get a chance to see him or say I love him, and I had come so close to seeing him in the flesh, my dream forever.  I felt selfish for that, but these things occurred to me later on.  I felt so much anger too, and I could only cry when listening to other people's sad songs.  I listen to music from early 2009 and songs from around that time and feel so sick.  

And yeah, the people who called me were those who hadn't talked to me for almost a year and stuff like that too, but I only returned back messages to those who were fans, I couldn't stand to talk to non fans yet.  My cousin was like "mj died, what is your opinion?" I was like wtf and just ignored her.  Another friend, a close friend called me for something unrelated, then asked me what's wrong and I wondered what she meant and she said I sounded out of breath like i'm going to have a panic attack, I just said I'm ok then we're talking and she said by the way mj died, and I said yeah I know.  Even that night I went to go pray and my friend I have mj memories with, I saw her from far and pretended I didn't, but she found me and I acted giddy and happy to see her and she did the same, I was smiling hard and talking about my work , and she did the same, none of us would say it, and then she said he died, but I couldn't cry like I wanted to, I just got hyper and said yeah I know, kinda snickered and said that this world sucks anyways and he's in a better place now or something like that and she started saying I just came to prayer cause he died cause I never come and shit like that, making me laugh lol that seems funny now but it really wasn't, wherever I was walking that night over there, I could hear mj's name every now and then, I have never seen anything like it, it seemed even bigger than diana, my body couldn't take in how, even my mom's friend who asked me, I pretended I didn't see her either asked me how I feel, I think I brushed her off saying he wasn't well anyway and probably looked spaced out, I didn't know details yet.  And that weekend I went for a body wax and in the middle of it, the lady suddenly asked me "ok what's really bothering you?" and it had nothing to do with that pain. I wasn't crying though I really wanted to, but something was wrong with me and everyone KNEW.


even my mom came to tell me and i brushed her off saying it was his time calmly and the next day she phoned to ask if I'm ok cause my calmness alarmed her, I was just like that for 2 weeks up until the memorial, it was soooo weird


my feelings did escalate though, I would have terrible sad mornings for weeks and weeks, get angry and get that aggression out, express it creatively to share with other fans to get my emotions out and then the cries and everything would come with time, but then I got numb again with this is it .  I was numb at the theatres and couldn't cry with the other fans at all though I was like that in my own time, but when I went back to the same theatre for another movie, I remembered and burst into tears, I'm having so many delayed reactions to this.
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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Shout

Re: are you having one of those?
March 12, 2010, 09:36:24 PM
GreenManMakeAChange

You describe an incredible pain, which I totaly understand it is surreal that a person like MJ could be really dead. I know some people who react the same way like you. This goes so deep and it is absolutely not a joke at all and when I imagine Michael who has this really deep feeling of how people could be hurt when they learn that he has passed, well I think no way he did it. He lost James Brown which was an incredible pain as we can see it during his short speech...I never heard a person talking about JB has faked his death because Michael didn´t cry and they were all so happy celebrating his life...
Michael was aware of how deep it might go how traumatic and if he has faked his death I believe that he will not come back. I think that Michael would not take death as a joke! I believe he would do it to get some peace but not to teach the world. I sometimes think there are no clues at all left for other people to be found, but that it is all a wishful thinking because we cannot accept that it all could be so banal ( Michael had enough and wanted some peace).

So...hm, here are some things which just do not convince me, that´s all.
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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At a time of pervasive fraud, it is a revolutionary act to say the truth!

(George Orwell)

Re: are you having one of those?
March 13, 2010, 12:09:36 AM
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 I myself was having one of those days today...then I ran into the above...first time for me to hear the song backwards...I am stunned...anyone have comments?  Apparently if you don't believe it, you can upload the song THIS IS IT or any other song for that matter and play it backwards online with a tool that reverses songs. I just am stunned...This one is in English...I do realize somewhere else in our MJ death hoax website, someone uploaded a Portugese version from Youtube. But please view this one here - it's in English...amazing.
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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Re: are you having one of those?
March 13, 2010, 12:19:51 AM
Quote from: "Shout"
GreenManMakeAChange

You describe an incredible pain, which I totaly understand it is surreal that a person like MJ could be really dead. I know some people who react the same way like you. This goes so deep and it is absolutely not a joke at all and when I imagine Michael who has this really deep feeling of how people could be hurt when they learn that he has passed, well I think no way he did it. He lost James Brown which was an incredible pain as we can see it during his short speech...I never heard a person talking about JB has faked his death because Michael didn´t cry and they were all so happy celebrating his life...
Michael was aware of how deep it might go how traumatic and if he has faked his death I believe that he will not come back. I think that Michael would not take death as a joke! I believe he would do it to get some peace but not to teach the world. I sometimes think there are no clues at all left for other people to be found, but that it is all a wishful thinking because we cannot accept that it all could be so banal ( Michael had enough and wanted some peace).

So...hm, here are some things which just do not convince me, that´s all.

I'm sure his soul, alive or dead, would have known just how hurt we would be.  I read about all these clues but I do not want to live with false hope and set myself up for disappointment.  I just joined the site cause of jermaine and green man, and the other stuff has made me giddy and hopeful, but that is all, I'm trying to have an open mind if anything.  My pain has never been this intense for anyone, I think I fell deep in love with him as an escape from my own reality, and it went beyond being a diehard fan.  I'm also realizing I'm grieving all my good memories cause they are too painful to remember though they are there and I've been grieving him for the past few years cause I am not over what they all did to him with the allegations  .  I cried so hard everyday for him and prayed so hard for him to be ok and fell into depression.  I used to think getting attached to him caused me to be depressed, but I was running from other issues that made me numb too and mj and music in general was my escapism and cause I cared for mj beyond the music I felt so sad.  And I feel angry with society for corrupting everything, so, so angry!
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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Re: are you having one of those?
March 13, 2010, 01:14:34 AM
OMG friends

that was a great week before the 25 My kids graduated to HS on the 24 and my youngest orientation into specialized Jr. High the morning of the 25. I was sleep on my couch after bringing my daughter home. My cuz called me and told me turn to the news MJ passed away. I could hardly talk cause it felt like my heart dropped out my chest. I had been on a Michael Jackson binge for the previous 6 months, and that news felt like a serious (what is it called a downer? or a crash after being high? lol) low. LOL I don't even want to remember that day anymore... for now anyway lol
Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Guest
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