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I didn't want to take meds but I eventually on them. I was already suffering from depression for a very long time and was in denial, there was another incident I was dealing with and then michael's death overshadowed that. I was in shock with it , but couldn't cry right away and got giddy and had opposite reactions and couldn't understand wtf was going on but as more hours passed and I didn't sleep the cries eventually came and built up more and more, coupled with the anger, but I was mostly in a state of shock and wanted to cry so badly but it wasn't coming out, it was trapped and I was getting body pain and all kinds of stuff and flashbacks on june 25th, I had a thousand feelings hit me when I read the words yes he's dead on my msn. Shock, anger, sadness, omg his kids, his family, janet, all the fans on the boards and people I know, even relief that his suffering is over, all kinds of things, how much he helped me, how much pain he made me feel, a million things. And each time I look back on a flashback, I perceive it differently. I sometimes wonder if I didn't cry cause I didn't care, but of course I cared or i wouldn't be upset. All the messages from people who thought of me when he died cause they all knew I was the 'mj girl', shit omg, OMG, and writing in my status I've accepted it and people not getting my calmness even though I Didn't know wtf I was doing, my sister crying before me, and me laughing saying it'll be ok, and not knowing why I did that when I felt shaky like I was going to collapse and my body doing all it can to protect me from exploding and the feeling getting worse. I was slowly beginning to tear up but felt shaky just lost, and as soon as I heard about the missing doctor I went OMFG NO and just cried so much, then I called a hotline to talk about it and I couldn't say the words, just said something horrible has happened and cried and cried hard for 10 minutes straight, OMG. I wanted to cry so badly with the fans at the vigils and tributes, but it wasn't coming out, I was numb. I was in a daze during the memorial, I was sad the very first time I woke up and remembered the events. At Beyonce's show during the tributes from her and other artists, I cried so hard and fell to the floor sobbing in my mj shirt, omg I don't know how I lived through everything, shit!
GreenManMakeAChangeYou describe an incredible pain, which I totaly understand it is surreal that a person like MJ could be really dead. I know some people who react the same way like you. This goes so deep and it is absolutely not a joke at all and when I imagine Michael who has this really deep feeling of how people could be hurt when they learn that he has passed, well I think no way he did it. He lost James Brown which was an incredible pain as we can see it during his short speech...I never heard a person talking about JB has faked his death because Michael didn´t cry and they were all so happy celebrating his life...Michael was aware of how deep it might go how traumatic and if he has faked his death I believe that he will not come back. I think that Michael would not take death as a joke! I believe he would do it to get some peace but not to teach the world. I sometimes think there are no clues at all left for other people to be found, but that it is all a wishful thinking because we cannot accept that it all could be so banal ( Michael had enough and wanted some peace).So...hm, here are some things which just do not convince me, that´s all.
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