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Messages - GreenManMakeAChange
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241
« on: March 03, 2010, 12:24:57 AM »
I have been suffering from this for a long time but I can never hate him though I feel like it sometimes. A few weeks after the death this was happening and I felt so guilty cause I was like, he was murdered and it's not his fault, I felt angry with him for selfish reasons cause I wanted things my way, the truth is, I was angry at myself for not going out of my way to show him I loved him. I've been angry for years about the allegations, I used to feel like it was his fault he got accused again but I've let go of that now. I prayed so hard for this man for those two years of hell and cried so much for him and his kids, it drained me, I got even more depressed, I defended him, I took bullets for him. I had performed to him and everyone thought I was so cool for it, but one time someone made a boys joke about him that complimented me, I cried all night when I watched the tape on playback though I didn't hear it while up there. After it was over, I stopped the defending even though I still believed in him cause I was tired. I wanted my michael back, to come back and kick everyone's ass, maybe we killed him, I wish there was no this is it. It hurt me so much they did this to him when he hasn't done anything to anyone. Sometimes I wanted to just back away cause I felt like loving him hurt too much cause I saw my own pain through him and couldn't help it, in a lot of ways, he was like a mirror to me. But no matter what happened, if anyone called him a child molester or pedophile, my stomach would turn and I would go all quiet shunning them away and end up crying and crying and crying so hard wonder how in the hell anyone can do this to him and call him that, and get so mad that the media helped play a part in it. I even hate how with all the overexposure michael is getting, I would look at all the images and be reminded of all the name calling, insults, sad feelings etc. from over the years and get mad at these things playing over in my head and tell them to go away, it sickens me that society did this to him and ruined him for me. I love him so much, he has inspired me so much, helped me learn about myself and I want to tell everyone and kept it up for a long time but it eventually drained me out cause I'm very shy, insecure, too sensitive, defensive and it's almost like being in a relationship sometimes with a cycle. It's like I'm allowed to get mad at him but if anyone else insults him like that, I hate their guts and lose all respect for them. When my dad wasn't around, michael's music got me through it, when school sucked, I got so hyper off watching mj and the thought of seeing him someday, it was magical when I was younger and saw clips of him being so sweet to kids, I wanted to be one of those kids, but now I feel like I freaking hate kids and don't trust anyone and I used to love neverland and hate everything about it now cause he almost lost his life despite all the assets. But I love him so much and always will, and wherever he is, alive or dead, I hope he someday truly knows that and that if I had any hard feelings, it's cause I'm dealing with my own personal demons and too much has happened.
242
« on: March 02, 2010, 08:12:17 PM »
Hes a lovely little chicken soooooooooooo sweet !!!
L.O.V.E that's perfect!
243
« on: March 02, 2010, 07:45:04 PM »
Thanks 
244
« on: March 02, 2010, 06:41:23 PM »
I feel even more angry at how he was treated for the past 10 years than the death sometimes. I'm really in the middle with the hoax, I don't believe he would do this to his kids and the fans cause he knows how much he means to them. But if he did do it, it's for a good reason. I don't know if it's my denial or intuition keeping me numb or what, but I can no longer run in circles trying to figure out why I don't cry all the time like I thought I would cause it's mj, it's like the shock hasn't worn off like I don't want to believe it. I cry over the death cause society says it happens, but I don't see someone dead when I see him, though sometimes I do, it's like he's full of life.
245
« on: March 02, 2010, 06:34:40 PM »
I called psychics last year and they all said he has moved on. I was seriously considering calling them again and telling them about my intuitive feelings
246
« on: March 02, 2010, 06:32:54 PM »
i have suffered with bad numbness for months since he passed and thought it was my body shutting down to keep me from doing something crazy to myself, as I was already depressed before it happened, but after the jermaine clip, I've decided I'm in the middle with this. I couldn't feel him being dead either, only sometimes, if I forced it to make myself cry cause I couldn't cry it out like I expected to, and I do that easily.
247
« on: March 02, 2010, 06:27:28 PM »
I've had experiences like that too with michael music, like an mj 6th sense
248
« on: March 02, 2010, 06:22:54 PM »
I wish I could give up on everything michael sometimes cause I'm in too much pain and I can't help it cause I care too much from him and nothing can make me walk away or stop caring. It kills me that someone did something to him, yet my denial state and intuition is telling me it's not real and something is very off. I laughed at hoaxes until jermaine's big mouth got me here
249
« on: March 02, 2010, 06:20:44 PM »
I'm wondering what on earth is going to go down before then.
250
« on: March 02, 2010, 06:18:52 PM »
I had times when I felt like I hated his guts for dying on everyone who cared for him, family friends etc. but I knew it was irrational cause it's not like he killed himself or anything like that.
251
« on: March 02, 2010, 06:15:55 PM »
I was thinking it could be a picture of him, after he was dead.. Like before puting him in a casket or yeh, something like that.. But no dead people would ever have their eyes opened.. :lol:
This picture is taken in 2009.. I'm sure reading that just gave me the creeps
252
« on: March 02, 2010, 06:10:01 PM »
I laughed at every death hoax story and brushed it off until Jermaine let the cat out of the bag last week and I learned that the airport was closed. I came on this board and each time I visited, it was like he felt alive again and I felt like myself again, so here I am. I'm in the middle to be honest though, one minute I believe he is dead, the next I don't. Even though I have shed tears, something always stopped me from crying as much as I would expected to do, as if he's not really gone. I thought it was happening to protect me from pain, but I think it's my gut feeling telling me he is possibly still here.
I don't believe green man was him, it was someone from the camp to get us talking and speculating, and possibly another clue. I believe there are greater forces playing mind games with the public and we'll know what's going on in the next few months.
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