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Messages - 50th_State_Believer2
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31
« on: March 03, 2012, 11:07:30 PM »
Thanks to all of you, every one of you, whether you posted a reply or not. I have tears swelling up in my eyes at the moment, just to know that I am not crazy, I am not alone...Spiritually we are connected. Sometimes I feel like screaming from my soul and just reaching out my hand and grabbing a hold of Michael and pulling him back into our presence. It's like drowning in water and trying so hard to get up there and gasp for air. Listening to his songs are a mixture of pleasure and pain...my heart jumps with joy at the beats...at his little bits and pieces of "MJ sounds" only he can make in between his lyrics...and yet the pleasure soon turns to this twisting yanking feeling, heavy in my heart and I can FEEL the weight taking me down. My eyes water up again, whether I am at home or in the car..and I just say to myself..."Michael...it's easier said than done...to say that as long as you're happy, we are." To swear by that would be a lie for me at least. I'm not happy - even if he might be happy. Because I am selfish when it comes to something so valuable - something so great - something so irreplaceable...Sorry for the selfishness. But I am being honest. Michael - we struggle to breathe without you... look at the world - look at all the websites...every day, every minute, every hour and every second - we are searching for something to give us peace. Sometimes it works...sometimes it doesn't. But the definite common denominator Michael, is YOU. God forgive me for my selfishness...but how can one NOT be selfish when we have lost the purity of the air we breathe? We choke...and we fall, and we get up again, but only to repeat this mad cycle again and again.
Love is an understatement - but that is all we can give to you...come back Michael. You know you can make it again. If you never had a one true friend, a best friend, someone who would be there for you even if you weren't that miracle on stage - the soulful love that the entire world has for you - that would make up for it Michael. Because you KNOW we are true to you.
32
« on: February 20, 2012, 11:53:25 PM »
If you were to ask - I would say that life is good, I suppose. Other than the fact, that I can't cut loose from these strings that tie me to thoughts of you.
If you were to ask - I would say that I'm ok, I suppose. Other than the fact, that I revisit the thought of you, every single day of my life.
If you were to ask - I would say that I believe you are somewhere, waiting for just the right moment...to resurface. Other than the fact, that sadness is what really lingers between all the smiles and hopes that aren't very good at covering up..what I really feel.
If you were to ask, Michael - I would say that the only reason why I try to believe you are not gone forever, is because I can't blow out that candle - it's the last flicker of something great....something no words can describe...no other being can similate...
But if I were to ask you something...a favor, Michael...just one - it would be this: Tell Me What to Do...because nothing is working...I am floating between two worlds...one that believes...and one that doesn't...and I just can't seem to put both feet in just one place. It hurts to believe you are gone...but just the same - it hurts more to believe you are out there - because the world needs you back...doing what you always did so well...the best...you weren't meant to be behind the camera, Michael...no matter what others may say you have a talent for...
So tell me what to do - when I can't see you but have to believe you are there. It is hell...Tell Me What to Do.
33
« on: February 13, 2012, 10:55:57 PM »
I feel I am at a park, alone. I'm sitting on a swing and gently swaying just a little bit, back and forth, with my eyes sometimes on the ground, sometimes ahead of me, glancing around through the trees and jogging path, wondering when and if the person I am expecting, will show up. That is how I feel regarding MJ. I don't mean expecting him back strictly in the physical sense, but in any sense - whether it is him working behind the scene and still coming back out into the world through his work...or actually coming back in front of the camera. My time at this ''park'' in my heart, has gotten quieter and quieter...sometimes I feel the one I expect to show up...will never show up...because I got it wrong...I misunderstood what he meant by reading the signs...I interpreted it the way I WANTED to, because of what I NEEDED to see. Sometimes I feel as though I know better than thinking Katherine putting on a show. I am a mother, like she is. There is no way in the world I could fake my tears and sorrow regarding the loss of my own child. As a mother, the emotions I have seen on Katherine's face - is true. Truer than anything else. To think anything else would be in my pov, a mockery of her love for Michael. And yet, I listen to his music at moments when I want to reflect. I live my life fulfilled with my own family, my boys give me the greatest joy, and they are my priority. But at moments when I find the time to give thought to things and people I care about, I listen to Michael's music...and lately, I have begun to feel like I am walking alone on a path. My search for the possibility that he really is alive - all the signs and all the supporting pieces of evidence...feels like a bag of tricks that no longer work. It's like having all the ingredients to cook something up, all ready to throw together - but if you don't have fire - you just can't cook it. The most important element is missing. And no matter what you have as the ingredients, that is all it will ever be - pieces of ingredients all on their own, but they will never amount to anything like that fabulous recipe says it will - unless you have the fire to make it come together. Individually, all you have is ingredients that have nothing but it's own element. It is not the final product.
It used to feel like I could sense Michael's presence when I listened to his music...now - it has begun to feel fainter and fainter, almost like I recognize the voice, I recognize the soul, but it is missing something...missing big time...
34
« on: January 02, 2012, 11:25:00 PM »
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Register or Login I came across this video made by a fan in France. It caught me like nothing else I have felt. Eerie, haunting, yet intimate at a level you can't explain. Pics used were personally my favorite era of MJ. But beside the point - the music, the lyrics, and the aura that the photos of Michael that were used - I could swear it was like I could detect his scent - as though something in the air catches you for a split second - something so pleasant yet you can't lay a finger on it - where it came from and what it is...but it was a split second of connecting with something...something...unexplainable. It was like walking through Michael's veins...like a different dimension of him you could never see from public appearances or stage performances... I don't know how else to explain it. You just HAVE TO WATCH THIS VIDEO called "I'm ok Now'' made by a fan. Eerie/Awesom/Sexy....
35
« on: December 24, 2011, 11:40:48 PM »
As Jermaine said in the interview...There is never any closure..you just ''Learn to live with it..."
Michael...there's a dead lock somewhere in my head - my soul. It's no longer is about where you are, if you are out there...or why the world can't accept the fact that you're gone forever...if you are...
It always comes back to that one place, again and again - we still want you back Michael. We can put on a brave front and say ''yes, we need to march forward for justice...'' ''we need to make a change...'' but in reality - that's beginning to feel like just a cover up to help heal the wound that still exists.
2 years have passed Michael...but the underlying need for you to be back, to still exist more than just in our thoughts and memories - that is the painful part that doesn't seem to wash away. We can say what we want...we can pretend we're okay. But it will never be okay. Murray's next chapter in life has already begun. For whatever it is worth to him and his supporters and loved ones - they are already ahead, facing up to the next level of challenges in life. They move forward. They have hopes, dreams, and they live for tomorrow, a new day, a new page. But without you Michael, we are all still left where you disappeared. Somewhere in the past - a chapter that we've been left to remain in - unfinished, left to heal - heal ... how? I listen to your voice in your music every day...every day of my life. And I wonder how it is that your voice, so real - can still be heard, but you are nowhere in our realm. How can that be? Sometimes I tell myself that you are not out there preparing for a come back...because I don't think you could do this to us...its all too much Michael. How can we be expected to keep feeding ourselves this wild dream that you are watching and listening and reading...and preparing to come back to us? When each and every moment we die a little more...and it gets harder and harder to even talk about the possibilities. We still miss you the same Michael. The same as that first moment we watched the news...and shook our heads and said NO WAY...NO WAY....Not Michael....Not Now...Nothing has changed except the key has been lost, and the lock has gotten rustier...The only thing that would set our hearts free...is to either accept the fact that you are gone forever...or for you to come back...RIGHT NOW...no more waiting. No more games. No more hidden signs and messages and maybes and maybe nots...NO more reading between the lines...no more guessing the latest clues or messages from you that we all collaborate to create some kind of mystery to be unfolded soon...No More Michael. We need you back now...it's either that - or nothing. We have to choose...and we have to be given the dose of reality once and for all...
36
« on: December 03, 2011, 10:48:51 PM »
Pay it Forward Gina. Ever seen that movie? It came out years ago. See link: You are not allowed to view links.
Register or Login Nobody can change the world himself/herself. We probably can't even help more than one person throughout our lives. But if we each inspire just one human being, by doing something positive, and instead of asking for the favor back, but to ask them to forward the favor to just one other person, and that person goes on to forward a favor to another, and another - that is God's message. That is Michael's message. For THE PEOPLE...to take a stand and ask that MAN IN THE MIRROR to do SOMETHING. One thing. Any thing. It doesn't matter what world governments or massive corporations do by corruption. They cannot deprive or take away your spirit. And it is that spirit that feeds us to do something, one thing, anything...good. A tree doesn't start but with one seedling. You can't ask for big change without starting on little changes. That is the order of life, the order of the universe. It is the corrupt world's way to discourage us, the little people. They WANT us to remain stagnant, to be discouraged, to see it futile and worthless to even try. If you look at the path 20 feet before you - can you jump that distance in one go? No. But you can still get there by taking small regular steps. That is the whole message. Nobody can stop you from taking those small steps. And if that one person you gave a hot meal to, one person you gave a warm pair of gloves to, one person you gave a warm jacket to this winter...feels the love you have to offer - THAT, is the small miracle that God intends you to share...and if a thousand people did the same - that is one thousand big miracles, Gina. Don't carry the weight on your shoulders. Don't let the evil win over - they WANT to discourage you. So that they can rush in and control your mind. Imagine Michael - imagine him saddened that because we aren't billionaires, we don't even see a point in helping one person. What is the purpose then, of believing that MJ stood for change?
37
« on: November 12, 2011, 10:15:23 PM »
I tried to find an emoticon here that showed throwing up - but found none. Basically I felt like throwing up, the minute Murray in the video talks about the example of going to a friend's house and seeing the friend with a gun in hand. PLEEEZE...Mr. Murray, your situation was not one that required split minute decision making as that in your EXAMPLE of the hand gun scenario. YOUR situation allowed you more than enough time to ponder your decision and follow up with your choice of action. DO NOT make this into an in depth, intellectual reflection of mature calculation as it was not. Anyway, you are where you are today in the end, because GOd is greatest and finally what went around has come back to you. You can dance around the situation with fancy words and personal insight Mr. Murray (as you are not fit to be called Doctor), but the truth does not need any help to be presented. It stands on it's own.
38
« on: October 23, 2011, 04:42:23 AM »
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Register or Login I found this after clicking on a Youtube poster named DJReviver - his personal channel had some interesting MJ collaborations of video mixes he has done. This one is with Tango music mixed into Billie Jean...there are others on his personal channel page.
39
« on: October 18, 2011, 10:56:11 PM »
Ha. I've never read this one before, about the woman who is spoken to by MJ from the other side...lol..I guess it's easy to concoct anything as long as the person you're speaking about has no way to come out and correct you. lol..Interesting...and if the fact that a person watches every interview, views every recorded video performance, listens to every song with heart felt passion - can't sleep, eat, function normally because her heart goes pitter patter over Michael - means that she is the one that MJ loves - and speaks to from his grave...then I think that just about covers every die hard fan out there...boy...he sure must be one buuuusssy guy. lol...
I feel sorry for people like that - because dillusional people function that way. You can't convince them otherwise. And the more you cut them down or try to correct them or bring them to reality, the more they are convinced that the reason the world doesn't believe them, is because the world was not ''chosen'' to understand and comprehend these things. Sad...but I suppose she is happy in her own world...nothing can convince her she is dillusional...
40
« on: October 18, 2011, 01:57:38 AM »
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Register or Login One of my favorites...Butterflies... I found this fan made video of photo compilations ~ I loved the selective pics of many of his kneeling positions on stage...and the finger blown kisses. To be the tips of your fingers...they were the lucky ones...always there to hear your whispers, to catch your unspoken words of passion... Your hair that always swayed in whatever direction the shadow of your eyes fell upon ~ always full of deep introspection. What anyone would have given, Michael ~ to be your shoulder to cry on...or the hand to support yours... What anyone would have given, Michael ~ to be the Butterflies...Inside.....
41
« on: October 16, 2011, 11:26:49 PM »
Silence. There are things I want to say but I can't. There are thoughts I want to express but they are not positive.In the end of it all, it isn't really about who was right ~~ and who was wrong, with their beliefs.It is only about who got through this all...the storm after the peace...and the peace after the storm...multiplied over and over.I look at Michael's autopsy photo online...and I think...shall I choose to challenge it's authenticity? Again? Like I did in my head with the gurney photo of him wrapped in white? Like I did with all the other photos, throughout the past two years?Shall I continue to grasp at every possible chance of this all being one huge stage production? Really now? Everyone in court, all these weeks - are being played? Really now? All this time and money...all the creditable, reliable professional people...will one day simply have to walk away and laugh...when Michael comes back and says "surpriiiise"... Really now?I ask myself again and again...WHAT ...WHAT is it you want? Do you REALLY want the truth? OR...do you want the truth AS YOU WANT IT TO BE?? Are you looking for redesigned truth? Molded truth? Sculpted in the path that you so desire the ending to be? If so - ANYTHING is a possibility. Anything in this vast universe. Not just in the MJ case.My scales are now at equal levels. It used to be, that the hoax side was far dominant...but now - ''reality'' as my common sense is tugging at - and the desirable "reality" that I can choose to believe as long as I want...are both at equal levels. SOMETHING has to happen now - to tip the scales and set it off balance again. But for now, it's a 50-50 chance for either side to win in my head.So I ask myself again...WHAT...WHAT IS IT you REALLY WANT? The real truth? No matter how unsatisfying or undesireable it may be? OR...a truth that feels better...being the truth? Which one, 50th_State_Believer2? Which one? Are you strong enough? Are you mature enough? Are you living in the real world, or hanging on to a fantasy because there were too many unexplained answers in the past? Even in cold case files of past homicides in any society - there are tons of unanswered questions that investigators and police force cannot seem to find the missing pieces to. But it does not necessarily mean that the victim cannot be dead. So where do you stand 50th_State_Believer2? Are you ready to accept the truth, plain, untouched, unbiased from your personal hopes and desires? I fiddled with my guitar late last night...doing a quiet, slow, reflective rendition of "Human Nature"...sitting in the dark, dim lit room upstairs at home...everyone else fast asleep. Tears flowed. I know it's human nature to believe in what I want to believe in - not necessarily what I should believe in...silently as my fingers plucked the chords...I thought...Michael - for every tear, every sigh, every thought and every painful cringe in all of our hearts...for the past two years Michael, if you gathered every one of these from all around the world - it would build you a bridge all the way back to us...from heaven to earth...FOR SURE...Why...Why...tell em that's it human nature...why..why.......~~~~ ......I like livin'this way....I like lovin this waaaay....WHYyyyyyyy....oh Whyyyyyy....
42
« on: October 04, 2011, 11:34:59 PM »
I have alot of Christian friends who speak of the deceased in present tense, so I'd have to disagree with the comment regarding believers of God not speaking of the deceased in present tense. Friends who have lost family members decades ago, STILL speak of the loved one in present tense ie; "I know he's happy..he's watching us every day.." etc etc...
But the part that Jermaine said that Michael is "well protected" is kind of odd. to say a deceased loved one is at peace now in heaven, would be normal...but to say that he is well protected - is very unusual...because when you say that, you are implying that he is well protected FROM SOMETHING BAD or SOMETHING NEGATIVE or SOMETHING you NEED to be kept AWAY FROM....I guess you can read what you want from a statement, so many ways...but in all my life I have never heard anyone say that a loved one, deceased, is WELL PROTECTED in heaven...Happy, yes...peaceful, yes...well protected?? never in my life have I heard that expression before, regarding a deceased loved one in heaven...
43
« on: October 04, 2011, 11:12:47 PM »
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Register or Login I was watching this flash mob video done in Phillipines in a mall...I thought how fun, wish I could be in a flash mob dance for MJ. Then the closing song after the dance was done - Man in the Mirror came on and there I went, crashing down...that song always makes me cry. Amidst the atmosphere of reality I have been in for a long time now, regarding MJ...I hadn't cried for a long time. But when I see crowds of people, moved by his legacy and his music and dance..his message...it really hits hard. Makes me realize just once again - how he reigns throughout our globe - from one end to another, north, south, east, west - no matter what language, no matter what culture...and it is that vast expansion that he covered, that makes it so hard for me not to cry again. I think I try to believe he is alive, and it is all a hoax, because it is what helps me get stronger, to not cry. But although the world of those who believe he is alive - may not like what I am feeling now - I have to be honest...every minute longer that I believe he is alive - makes it tougher for me to let go and wash away the sadness. Inside something tells me he really is gone. He may have planned something big, something fabulous..but he was cut short of that plan....and everything around the current events until now that seemingly may appear as proof of a hoax...is only bits and pieces of what I WANT to see as proof he'll be back. But it isn't proof he'll be back. It's only proof that he was a genius and he DID plan alot of what went on prior to his death. But what Murray did was real. It wasn't part of a hoax. Michael had the genius, Michael had the brains, to plan things outrageous...but...he wouldn't string the entire planet along on a lie. That's not a nice word, but if I think about it, that's what the hoax would be - a lie. Regardless of the purpose behind it...It is too detailed, too intricate, for it all to continue being successfully hidden, with everyone involved in the play - and not have a single person leak the truth. I can't get over his being gone. It's like too much to have been sacrificed. A huge, huge huge, part of the world has been cut out...and things will never be the same. After two years now, I have gone up and down..but come back to crying again. It is too unreal...
44
« on: October 01, 2011, 01:34:59 AM »
Hey Applehead thanks for your post. Just to clarify, that part in bold print was NOT ME. I was just copy pasting the entire email paragraph that my friend sent me. And I did write that she is not one of the avid die hard followers - it was just her opinion/observations that I cut and pasted there in bold print. So it should not reflect whether or not I am reading enough of what other fans post here or all over the internet...it was just my friend's view. /white flag/ PEACE. lol.
45
« on: October 01, 2011, 01:04:28 AM »
OMG! OMIGOD OMIGOD...out of curiousity, I googled what the Minnesota seal stood for. Read this! (look at the bold part)
It depicts a barefoot farmer plowing his field near St. Anthony Falls on the Mississippi River. His axe is driven into a tree trunk, with his rifle and powderhorn nearby.[dot] An Indian on horseback rides south, a summer setting sun in the background. The state motto, "L'Etoile du Nord", or "Star of the North", appears on a banner above the scenery. [/dot] Around these images is the outermost ring, which reads "The Great Seal of the State of Minnesota". The bottom of the outer ring contains the date 1858, which is when Minnesota gained statehood.
Now call me overenthusiastic...or maybe someone has already figured this out. The man on horseback..rides south...a summer setting sun in the background..which symbolizes how we all first felt and have felt regarding the possibility of MJ being gone...dead...the sun sets - darkness falls..BUT LOOK...night appears and the STAR OF THE NORTH...the same star that in biblical times, gave a lightened PATH TO BETHLEHEM... where the mystery would unfold, where the new leader would be born...Now I'm not saying MJ is Jesus...I'm just saying the symbolism could be a message...or else the fake California Seal could easily have been 30 stars instead of 32. Maybe there was a reason Minnesota was chosen to be the FAKE number of stars for the California Seal...maybe it was that message in the picture of the Minnesota seal...the NORHTERN STAR that shines brightly to lead us to the news... the truth...the upcoming event!
Sound crazy? Sorry...
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