I feel so empty right now...
:cry:
...And it has nothing to do with the hoax. I'm a believer 100% (since last August).
It has something to do with my life. Many days and nights I wonder what my purpose is on this Earth (even though my interest and passion is in Entertainment, Music, Arts).
I just feel like I've been thrown away. I feel like an outsider looking in, 95% of the time, I feel like I'm invisible, like I simply do not
BELONG. Like I am
PUT HERE on this Earth to be humiliated and shunned.
And no matter what I do, at times, it seems as if I cannot get it
RIGHT! :cry: :cry:
Earlier tonight I was feeling great, I was outside talking with the young, neighborhood kids around 4 or 5pm and then my mom started to talk on the phone a around 8 to her sister and then I thought about my family and then I thought about my cousin (a daughter of another sister on Mom's side)who is supposed to be an EVANGELIST, a devout Christian and then I remember how recently she has not gotten in touch with me and when she does get in touch, it's usually as if she is calling or emailing or whatever, just to get some HELP with something. It didn't used to be like this, really. She would get in touch more frequently. I understand she is busy but isn't it true that you're never too busy for family, right? Despite the hanging out I have done in the past, I have found her not too different from other people who criticize, nit-pick and point out everything wrong that I do-i.e. wearing mini-shorts; she hates the mini-shorts I own and refuses to go out with me in those shorts, so then I change, judging little things, even down to the way I talk sometimes (I've been told to be quiet before because I made an error in judgement last year when I was talking to one of the kids associated with the ministry my cousin founded),She seemed cold towards me when there were three of us working on a project and warmer towards the girl (Me, a new girl I met, and my cousin) etc.
I've confronted her about this and she seemed calm and accepted it in a mature, serious manner, but now I barely want to be around her much anymore because of her bossiness and slight indifferences. I guess, I want to start over in a sense, but I don't know if my feelings about our friendship will be the same anymore, because I'm great at holding grudges (Another super trait I have *sarcasm* :roll: :| ) and she TICKS me off sometimes! :evil: :evil:
I have another cousin (another side of the family) who is sort of estranged. We played together as kids and now she doesn't call or send me e-mails at all! I've sensed that all along she has had her nose high in the air, thinking she's better than some people (including myself). :roll: :|
I do often wonder how Michael was so strong in overcoming his struggles with negative press, policy brutality, haters and the like throughout his career without cracking under pressure. He was so strong and kept on loving, even when haters didn't deserve that love. I want to be like him so much: graceful, more loving, optimistic and positive, but mostly STRONG, but sometimes I keep finding myself come up SHORT. He is my hero. <3
I also often wonder if I were a different person, would some of these same people give me the respect I deserve? What did I ever do to make them shun and judge me so, but be
nice and kind?
And this week I have an art competition, I submitted my work and it was chosen by the judge who is a well-known artist in the art world. I should be more focused and happy on that and instead these feelings come at me again like a
ton of bricks. I'm sorry for such a long post but I had to get these feelings off my chest.
I just don't GET IT. :?: :?: :? :cry:
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